


Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors

by Sariniste



Category: Bleach
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2015-03-07
Packaged: 2017-12-28 03:00:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 68
Words: 29,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/986883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sariniste/pseuds/Sariniste
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I just found your site, and frankly, it's disturbing. Why do half of your stories involve a romance between me and someone else? I mean, last I heard, this is a shounen manga. That means lots of fighting and me protecting shit." --Ichigo Kurosaki </p>
<p>Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ichigo Kurosaki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach. Inspired by Horizons' Harry Potter story of the same name.

**Chapter 1 - Ichigo Kurosaki**

**A/N:** This drabble series was originally started simply to bring a bit of humor and silliness into my life, but along the way it turned into something more. It's become my tribute to Kubo's work and the depth, originality, and humor he puts into every manga chapter; a way for me to explore the Bleach characters' personalities and have some fun by imagining what the characters themselves would say about fanfiction and its clichés.

I research every letter in this series by re-reading manga chapters, re-watching anime, checking the character books, and searching the web for fanfiction and other fandom clichés. If I make a factual error, I promise to correct it if you leave me a PM or comment on the relevant chapter.

I would also like to make it clear that I'm not trying to diss any fan pairings in these drabbles. I'm just trying to imagine what the Bleach characters themselves would say about them, and remember, there are very few canon pairings. Those of you who have read my other writing know that I am poking fun at some of the pairings (and clichés) I myself love and/or write.

So please remember not to take any of this too seriously. I promise not to put any of my own or others' pairing preferences in these drabbles. Canon pairings only, and even those may come in for some roasting.

I hope this story brings you some laughs and brightens your day.

* * *

 

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

I just found your site, and frankly, it's disturbing. Why do half of your stories involve a romance between me and someone else? I mean, last I heard, this is a shounen manga. That means lots of fighting and me protecting shit.

Besides, I'm 17 and every other episode I'm busy saving the world. Plus I have homework. I don't have time for a girlfriend. Write about Byakuya and Hisana or Gin and Rangiku or someone. Sheesh!

OK, I can see you hooking me up with Rukia—she changed my life, and she's always there to knock some sense into me when I'm down. Plus, yeah, it was embarrassing having her sleep in my closet. (Have you ever tried to tell Rukia to stop doing something she wants to do? She's like a force of nature.) But she's not interested in me that way. We're friends.

Or Inoue—well, she's the idol of Karakura High; I've known her since middle school and she's become one of my best friends. But she's not interested in me that way either.

But… I just saw some of the most popular stories involve me and… Grimmjow? What the fuck is that? First of all, I'm not gay. And even if I were, the bastard wants to fight me, not have sex with me. He's a Hollow for crying out loud. They eat souls, remember?

And… this is the worst of all: me and Aizen. I mean,  _Aizen_? Hello, he's the one who caused all these problems in the first place. My whole purpose is to defeat him. And… have you forgotten he's a mass murderer? What is wrong with you people?

_**Crazed Fangirl:** _ _Aizen-sama hasn't really killed anyone. Momo is still alive. Harribel is still alive. And all the captains he defeated are still alive._

_**Me:** _ _What about Gin? And, um, Central 46?_

_**Crazed Fangirl:** _ _Oh. *deflates* Yeah. I forgot about them. But… he's still awesome._

_**Me:** _ _'Forgot'? Excuse me? Anyone who's murdered at least forty-seven people is not what I'd call awesome. *shakes head* It's a good thing he's in prison where all the fangirls can't get at him._ _Who knows what he could manipulate them into doing?_

Seriously, stop it. Just stop it.

**Sincerely,**

**Ichigo Kurosaki**


	2. Toshiro Hitsugaya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach. Inspired by Horizons' Harry Potter story of the same name.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

There's no reason for me to be such a popular character with you people. I'm simply good at my job, that's all, and personally, I'd prefer not to have all this attention. And stop saying I have "teal orbs!"

And if I'm so popular, how come so many of your fanfictions feature me being tortured?

While we're on the subject of torture, could you please not write me in a romantic relationship with Lieutenant Matsumoto? She is a competent lieutenant if, and only if, I keep after her. And if she lays off the sake. But we have a purely, and I mean purely, professional relationship.

As to the other romances:

Momo is my sister, for goodness sake. We grew up together. Of course I love her… as a sister. Let me tell you, when you've cleaned up after someone wetting the bed, you just don't, uh, think of her that way.

Ichigo? Oh, I forgot, everybody gets paired with him. But seriously… no.

Karin? Who's Karin?

**Sincerely,**

**Captain Hitsugaya**


	3. Mayuri Kurotsuchi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series originally appeared on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors .
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach. Inspired by Horizons' Harry Potter story of the same name.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Ah, a very interesting psychological experiment here, this ‘fanfiction’! *cackles* My trusty lab assistant has written a program to scrape all the _Bleach_ content from the fanfiction dot net website, all 66,274 stories of it, and input it into our databases here in the Twelfth Division. I have made some _fascinating_ discoveries. (And indeed, some fodder for blackmail… *rubs hands together* …that should assist us with those pesky budgetary difficulties we've been having ever since the 'incident' where soutaichou regrettably discovered the purposes we were using some of our research funds for...)

Ahem. On to the data.

Tsk, tsk. Some of you should attend fiction writing classes on how to avoid clichéd language. There are twelve thousand, five hundred and twenty-seven mentions of 'chocolate orbs', 'violet orbs' or 'teal orbs.' Not to mention 'raven tresses' or 'orange locks.' These are classic indicators of poor writing, my young test subjects.

And fourteen thousand eight hundred nine uses of the terms 'berry' or 'orangette' to refer to the substitute shinigami Ichigo Kurosaki. What is this fixation on fruit? 'Orangette' is not even a word.

And then there's the repetition. And the repetition. And the repetition.

Pitiful.

One thousand, nine hundred sixty-four mentions of Hitsugaya-taichou playing soccer. I'm surprised he has time to accomplish his captain's duties with all the hours he spends on the field.

Two thousand, seven hundred and five occurrences of indigestion or poisoning after ingesting a meal cooked by Orihime Inoue. Ha ha, if she's that good at poisoning, I should offer her a position in my lab. We always have open job requisitions for assistants who can administer medication to reluctant subjects.

Four thousand, one hundred eighty-two mentions of the word 'midget' by Kurosaki referring to Kuchiki-fukutaichou. Let me tell you, I have surveillance equipment installed all over the Seireitei and the world of the living and my voice recognition software has not caught a single time Kurosaki called her a midget.

Twelve thousand high school fics. Nine thousand stories where Kurosaki is defeated in battle by a mysterious high school girl from the world of the living… and then falls in love with her. Countless mentions of Gotei 13 captains inexplicably deciding to kiss 'ordinary high school girls' who want to 'help' Soul Society. (But oddly, only 439 stories about me, compared to 8,245 featuring Hitsugaya. Strange…)

By the way, any high school girls who would truly like to help Soul Society by volunteering to assist our scientific endeavors are welcome to come by the Twelfth Division for short, relatively painless, and only slightly invasive experiments. Notify Nemu of your interests and we'll get you set up right away.

Finally, for those of you who have written steamy and explicit scenes which violate fanfiction dot net's content guidelines—you know who you are. I have all your IP addresses right here. Sadly, many of these are even work addresses. Dear, dear. You wouldn't want someone to drop a word in the wrong ear, now, would you? Or send a PM to Critics United, hmm? I didn't think so. Expect a small notice from me in the mail shortly. I accept Paypal. 

 

**Sincerely,**

**Mayuri Kurotsuchi**


	4. Sousuke Aizen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series originally appeared on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors .
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

I am not a rapist. I am in prison for treason and murder, not rape. My obsession is with power, not sex.

I manipulated Momo Hinamori into becoming infatuated with me simply because it was prudent to have a second-in-command who would not get suspicious when secret paperwork about illegal experiments with hollows fell out of my pocket or when the architectural diagrams of Las Noches were accidentally left out on my desk.

Orihime Inoue was my kidnapping victim, not my sex toy. See the paragraph above. Simply because she was the first female I was close to that I did not try to slaughter does not mean that I wanted to marry her and make her my Queen. I am immortal and have no desire for heirs.

I would never kidnap random high school girls named Brianna or Megan and force them to have sex with me. Ordinary humans hold no interest for me.

I touched Ichigo's heart during our battle to unnerve and provoke him, not because I am secretly gay and kinky.

I do not have an obsession with Byakuya Kuchiki.

I sang the romantic duet with Gin in the Bleach Musical because Rangiku was unavailable and because I was a nice guy (or at least pretending to be), not because I was in love with him. He was my minion. I knew for a hundred years that he was planning to kill me. I told him the secret weakness of Kyouka Suigetsu on purpose, just so that he would be able to pose a threat to me. I never make mistakes.

If I do, the plot is rearranged so that I do not. I have been controlling… er, have known Tite Kubo since the day he was born.

**Sincerely,**

**Sousuke Aizen**

P.S. Yes, being in prison is part of my plan. You will see. *smirks*


	5. Uryuu Ishida

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Learn to spell and use good grammar.

Why is my interest in couture depicted as such a fixation in every single story? I enjoy fashion and tailoring, but it is only a hobby. It is not my predominant interest.

Additionally, I must protest Mayuri Kurotsuchi's inclusion in this story. Aren't you aware of his past actions, or do you condone genocide? I must insist that chapter 3 be deleted at once.

Further, the first four chapters of this story are all about Shinigami. The Quincy demand equal time. We wish to have one chapter on each of us for every Shinigami chapter. Or… are you a racist?

I could also accept a chapter focused on my sewing skills. Or an advertisement displaying my clothing designs. For example, are you aware that I developed a line of capes featuring eighty-five different variants of the Quincy cross? I would be happy to provide you with the complete set of images. Now, the stitching in the first dozen is…

Ahem. As I said earlier, I am not overly fixated on sewing.

Back to my critique of your annoying and juvenile fantasies.

Your lewd depictions of Orihime Inoue and myself are completely uninteresting and poorly-written. Really. I read far too many of them this weekend and now my glasses hurt.

And I am not sexually interested in Ichigo Kurosaki. He is a Soul Reaper and I am a Quincy.

**Sincerely,**

**Uryuu Ishida**


	6. Ulquiorra Cifer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

**Re:**  "Pairings" involving me.

This is a pointless letter.

I do not consort with trash. I especially do not disobey Aizen-sama in order to consort with trash.

The only reason to couple with another being would be to reproduce. Hollows do not reproduce sexually.

Grimmjow was my subordinate. If he had attempted a sexual assault upon me I would have destroyed him with a single Cero. Pathetic. End of story. There is no need to write a hundred thousand words on such an inane topic.

If Aizen-sama had wished to engage in unorthodox experimentation, I would have complied, of course. He is my creator and I obey his every wish. However, he has not given me such an order.

Orihime Inoue was my prisoner and Aizen-sama left her under my care. That was our only 'relationship.' The reason I was placed in charge was simple efficiency: Aizen-sama knew that Espadas one to three would not harm her, but Espada number five, Nnoitra, as well as the lower ranking members such as Grimmjow or Szayel, were riff-raff and could not be trusted around her. If he had placed Starrk, Barragan, or Harribel in charge of her, it would have been a waste of a more powerful fighter he could use elsewhere. Therefore, I was merely the logical choice. There was no 'matchmaking' involved.

She was stronger than I expected, and her conversation was less trivial than I had first supposed. It was odd that a mere human could teach me anything. At first I thought she was completely irrational, but then I realized that there was a entirely consistent logic to her actions. She was… interesting.

She was too good for that human trash, Ichigo Kurosaki. It was inefficient for her to waste so much attention and energy on him. When I crushed him and dangled his broken body in front of her, suspended by my tail (and that was not a 'dominance mating display' as some have claimed), she should have immediately acknowledged my superior strength and discarded her  _affections_ toward him. That she did not was… irritating.

However, all my reactions were based upon logic, not jealousy. It was simply a pity that our conversations were cut short.

**Sincerely,**

**Ulquiorra Cifer**

 


	7. Tatsuki Arisawa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Why do you all insist that Orihime is a ditzy idiot whose cooking gives people indigestion? Well, she may be a little ADHD. And her cooking is, umm, creative. But nowhere has it ever been recorded that her food makes people sick! She just uses combinations of ingredients that are atypical in Japan (like butter on sweet potatoes, which I know you Americans actually like, yuck!)

Give me a break, guys!

Or do I have to come to your computer and punch you?

**Sincerely,**

**Tatsuki Arisawa**


	8. Grimmjow Jaegerjaques

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Huh, bloody killings, vicious attacks, gratuitous cruelty, generally acting like a freakin' asshole?

Actually, I think most of you got me spot on. ;) (Although you kinda overdid it with all the cat stuff. I'm not an Adjuchas anymore, dammit!)

But you gotta write more stories with me smashing that damn shinigami into oblivion instead of fucking him!

Though… you sure make him look kinda pathetic when I've got him slammed against a wall. *psychotic grin* You're givin' me some ideas—now I just might play with him a little before I beat him to death.

And did you notice that I'm the only one of the Espada still alive? Hell, I outlived even that fuckin' bastard Aizen and his two toadying flunkies. An' if that wimp Ulquiorra had done what I said back in the beginning and killed the damn shinigami right at the start, then we woulda won. Fuckin' Aizen thought he was so smart and look what happened to him.

Guess I'm still the King.

**Sincerely,**

**Grimmjow Jaegerjaques**

P.S. And whoever the fuck came up with the name "Grimmkitty" is gonna be freakin' annihilated.


	9. Orihime Inoue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Eheheh. I just saw your site and, wow. *blushes* I, um, don't really know what to say. I mean, I didn't know you all were so interested in romance among all of us. Because, you know, we think we're busy fighting this big war. Well, it was different wars. First we fought against the Soul Society, and then we found out they were our friends, and Captain Aizen, who used to be their friend, was really our enemy. Then we fought against Hueco Mundo and the Espada, but now it seems that they're our allies too, and there's a new enemy.

Uh, does that sound confusing? What was I talking about, anyway?

Oh! The romance part. Well, I think you should know, um, I mean, I looked at the story listings and I saw that many of the stories about me are also about Kurosaki-kun…

*blushes even more*

But, as I said before, he's actually busy doing really important work saving the world, and doesn't really have time for romance, even if… well, even if it would be really wonderful… *trails off and gets quiet*

*sits down and speaks very fast* I just wanted to say that I read some of your stories about me and Kurosaki-kun, and, well, I cried. Some of them are really sweet. *sighs*

But, ahem, then I looked at some other stories, and uh, some of them are kind of embarrassing.

Really! Why do you think I would date Ulquiorra? He kidnapped me! It's true that he protected me. And he didn't really hurt me. *blushes* Well, there was that part about forcing food down my throat. And then the way he didn't care about my friends dying. *frowns*

But I was mostly sorry for him. I mean, he really didn't understand anything about life. His existence was really grim, there in all those white halls of Las Noches, obeying Aizen's every word, never really thinking about himself or what more there could be in life for him. It was sad. And he said he didn't understand what it meant to have a heart or to feel something for someone else, but then he kept talking to me about it, so I knew that even though he said he didn't care, he really did.

And it was miserable, there at the end. He finally understood just before he died, what it all meant. But it was too late. *sighs*

What was I talking about? Oh! Yeah, but I would never date him. He's a Hollow, you know. He didn't even eat. At one point I was wondering if I could do some cooking in Las Noches and I asked him about how he took nourishment and he—oops, I'm getting off topic again.

Well, I think this letter is getting too long, so… bye!

**Sincerely,**

**Orihime Inoue**


	10. Yasutora "Chad" Sado

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Hey. It's me, Chad.

The others said I should write you to complain about how I'm being overlooked or ignored in your stories.

But, it's cool. I don't mind. Even Kubo-sensei makes mistakes with me and my powers. For example, he recently drew me with Brazo _Izquierda_  del Gigante. It doesn't really matter.

I do miss my cockatiel, though.

**Sincerely,**

**Yasutora Sado**

XxXxXxX

 **A/N:**  Yeah, I know. Too short. But Chad is a man of few words, isn't he?


	11. Rukia Kuchiki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

What's with all the whining and angst? You guys have the chance to really make something of your writing, to fix all the plot holes in Kubo-sensei's story and create some worthwhile works of transformative art. Instead, you spend all your time writing bad love stories between characters that aren't even together in the actual manga!

I should kick some sense into you! *glares*

But you're in luck today, because I've got something more important to discuss, something that deserves a lot more attention and  _respect_!

And that is… why is it that just because Ichigo insults my drawing skills, all of you seem to think I am a poor artist? He's the  _only_  person who doesn't like my doodles, but somehow it seems to have become a 'known fact' that I can't draw.

Listen, the purpose of those drawings is  _to get a point across_. Sometimes a clear picture is worth a thousand words. Putting rabbit ears on the faces I draw makes them more emotional and thus more memorable. It's a well-known trick used by military forces everywhere. When a person is in battle and is afraid for their life, they tend to forget highly reasoned intellectual arguments, but they remember simple images.

You can bet Ichigo never forgets my rabbit drawings, even when he's shaking in his sandals because he's being confronted by a monster ten times his size.

And I know you wanted me to go into an extended rant about all the people I seem to be matched with in your pitiful little fantasies, but tough. I don't have time for that. Let's leave it at this: Ichigo is my  _friend_ , as are Renji and Orihime. Nii-sama is my  _brother_. Kaien Shiba was  _married_.

Finally, I'll just say one thing about all your stupid "shipping wars": Get over it!

And how come I seem to have become the world's expert on zombies lately? What's with that?

**Sincerely,**

**Rukia Kuchiki**


	12. Mary Sues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Stop writing stories of us with Mary Sues. It's irritating to have to read long descriptions of their clothes, followed by details of their extraordinarily powerful bankais (which they somehow manage to use in the very first chapter) complete with misspelled footnotes and a 'Japanese' name from Google Translate. And isn't it odd that these girls all somehow have the same hair and eye color as their author?

The worst part is when the author decides it would be fun to start (and sometimes even end) every single chapter with a 'conversation' between them and their OC. *bangs head against wall*

Oh, and 'Megan' is not a Japanese name.

_**Author** _ _: It's me again with another story about Megan!_

_**Megan** _ _: Oh, I know everyone will be thrilled to read another two hundred thousand words about how perfect I am._

_**Author** _ _: Yeah, it's just so much fun writing about you. And since I love Toshiro so much, it's amazing how hard he's fallen for you! *giggles*_

_**Megan** _ _: *smirks* Of course. After the way I saved the Gotei 13 single-handedly last time in your story, how could he help but love me?_

_**Author** _ _: And the way you're beautiful as well as powerful? I think that just makes you more appealing. Do you think anyone will guess that you're really me, or actually me the way I wish I could be?_

_**Megan** _ _: No, and I'm sure they'll all love me as much as you do!_

_**Author** _ _: OK, Readers, this has been fun, but I know you're all excited to get on to the story, so, without further ado, here it is! Drum roll!_

_**Summary:** _ _Who is the beautiful new captain in Soul Society? She is only a high school girl who happened to like Bleach. But she somehow found herself caught up in her favorite manga. It turns out she is the only person immune to Kyouka Suigetsu! The girl genius graduated from the Shinigami Academy in two days. Read and find out how Megan saves the Soul Society while trying to decide between Ichigo, Toshiro, and Grimmjow! Which one of these handsome guys will get lucky?_

*facedesk*

**Sincerely,**

**The entire Bleach cast**


	13. Momo Hinamori

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

I decided to browse your stories, and what I don't get are all these 'AU' fanfictions. I mean really. Aizen-taichou as an 18-year-old high school gang leader? What could be more ridiculous? Unless it's the Aizen-as-pirate-captain 18th century romance. *rolls eyes* You can't get more clichéd than that! And why would Aizen-taichou ever fall in love with a high school girl? Some author must have arrested emotional development!

Somebody even wrote about Aizen-taichou as a six-year-old boy in the United States. Please!

And he's not a corporate executive, either, or a Yakuza. Frankly, it's offensive. He's an officer of the Gotei 13, and deserves respect, at the very least for the hundred years he served Soul Society faithfully. No matter what they say he might have done more recently.

They say  _I_ have an Aizen obsession, but it's clear that some of you fanfiction writers are far worse.

**Sincerely,**

**Momo Hinamori**


	14. Shinji Hirako

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Okay, I don't really care 'bout most of the stupid yaoi pairings on your site. Do whatever floats yer boat.

But there's one that really ticks me off.

It's Aizen! Why would I be paired with that guy?

I knew from the beginnin' that he was hiding somethin', that he wasn't trustworthy. Remember, I deliberately didn't let him get close for that reason. He was always sneakin' around, bein' creepy. Hey, if you caught somebody slinking around spyin' on all yer conversations, would ya then turn around an' say, "Oooh, I love ya, Sousuke, let's do it like rabbits on the floor?"

Even more important, I'm a cool and hip guy, but he's got a stick up his ass! His fashion sense is hella lackin'. He doesn't even listen to jazz. We're obviously oil and water.

The final straw was when he cut my hair while I was sleepin'! That did it for him in the relationship department.

Besides, he doesn't pack the same wallop in his kick that Hiyori does.

**Sincerely,**

**Shinji Hirako**


	15. Don Kanonji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Bohahahaha! Spirits are ALLLLLLWAYS with you!

Don Kanonji here with another great episode of my famous TV show,  _Ghost Bust Meets Fanfiction Dot Net!_

Sorry to keep all my viewers waiting! But relax, baby! I hear you have a large collection of stories about  _Bleach_  characters on this site and that I need to go through all of the ones about me and exorcise them! Bohahahaha!

Also,  _*shakes finger*_ I'm told I'll have to chastise you for pairing me up with all sorts of luscious  _Bleach_  females that I have no actual contact with in the series. Now, we can't have that happening, can we? I rushed right over to make sure that all of you authors were behaving yourselves! I certainly wouldn't like to read anything like that!

Let me see, I'll just look up archiveofourown.org on my handy-dandy Kan'puter right here…. Aaaaand… aaaaaand… waiting for the thousands of stories to come up and…

What?

_What?_

No, there must be some mistake! It's not possible that Don Kanonji, everyone's Don Kanonji, watched by twenty-five percent of all Japanese children…

… could only have two –  _TWO!_  – stories on this entire site!

Something must be wrong here. Smells like bad spirits! My Super Spirit Stick, inserted into the archiveofourown.org server, will fix this trick!  _*bzzzzz bzzz bzzzzzzzzzz*_

Looks like the system has just gone down! Now everyone has exactly the same number of stories… zero! Bohahahahaha!

**Sincerely,**

**Don Kanonji**


	16. Shinigami Women's Association

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Tired of pouring your heart and soul into your writing only to get almost no readers and even fewer reviews? Could your summary be the problem? It might be failing to attract droves of readers to your brilliant story! Well, your troubles are now over!

The Shinigami Women's Association has recently discovered your site, and we would like to help you with some educational tips. For our first lesson, we address the six most common errors found in fanfiction summaries that lead to readers ignoring your stories.

Our highly trained editors will demonstrate how to craft a devastatingly effective fanfiction summary that will leave your readers panting for more of your luscious prose. We'll start with some sample summaries and our gracious blackmail victims… er, volunteers… will rewrite them to make them compelling, sexy, and magnetic to draw in those readers!

**Lesson 1. How to Write A Better Fanfiction Summary**

_**Original Summary 1:** _

_Brianna Walters is a shingami in Soul Soecity who meets Ichgo. They fall in love. Songfic. May be OOC but give it a try! Sumery sucks but its better than it sounds, promise! R &R plz! Dont like, dont read! This is my first fic, plz review!_

**Rewritten version:**

A young lieutenant in Soul Society falls for her captain, a tall, dark, handsome man with glasses. They fall in love and live happily ever after. Definitely not OOC! – _Momo Hinamori_

_**Original Summary 2:** _

_I'm Lucinda, new 3rd seat of the 10_ _th_ _division, my best frind is Rukia Kuchki, and captins Icihgo and Histugaya are in love with me! What am I gonna do? Read to find out wat hapens! If I dont get 50 reviws, I wont write chapter 2 so REVIEW!_

**Rewritten version:**

This is a story about Lady Yoruichi Shihoin. Review or you will be attacked. And your comment better be positive. – _Captain Soi Fon_

_**Original Summary 3:** _

_Just a RP my freind and I madeup last night when we were drunk. It only took 30 min to write so dont expet it to be good. Ichgo kills Azien and becomes the only surviving espada. Everbody is dead except for Ichgo. Then Grimjaww shows up and wat do u think happens? Yaoi._

**Rewritten version:**

Grimmjow kills everybody. – _Grimmjow Jaegerjaques_

XxXxXxX

And there you have it – your key to fanfiction writing success! Did you figure out the six common errors demonstrated by our sample summaries? And did you note how our skilled editors avoided those errors?

Find out more details in our auxiliary lesson, available for a small fee (or a small box of candy) right here on this site! (Bonus: find out how we got Grimmjow to help!)

**Sincerely,**

**The Shinigami Women's Association**


	17. Soi Fon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

This site, and its blatant disrespect for high-ranking shinigami and members of the 13 Court Guard Squads, has recently come to the attention of the Secret Mobile Corps. Rest assured, we shall not be idle. Expect your ISP to be slapped with an injunction shortly, and if that does not work, we have a missile aimed precisely at your server farm.

**Sincerely,**

**Captain Soi Fon**

P.S. I do not have an unhealthy obsession with Lady Yoruichi Shihoin. She is merely deserving of everyone's respect and admiration.

P.P.S. The stories where my bedroom is filled with stuffed black kitty toys are the first ones marked for deletion. And I have records of your IP addresses.

XxXxXxX

 **A/N:**  I know this was short, but I have a second Soi Fon letter coming up soon. You'll see why shortly.


	18. Yoruichi Shihoin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Soi Fon,**

Relax! There's nothing wrong with a little good-natured humor at everyone's expense. Personally, I found this fanfiction site, and the letters, hilarious. Now, chill out! Go check up on the security at Muken. I heard there has been a lapse in security due to the Vandenreich attack, especially in the vicinity of Aizen's cell.

Let's stay focused on our priorities. And what's wrong with stuffed kitty toys?

Although… don't let Kisuke see this site. He's enough of an old perv as it is. I shudder to think about the kind of ideas it could give him. Of course, I know all about your feelings for him, Soi Fon, after that love letter you sent him, but you really need to learn what kind of a person he is.

**Sincerely,**

**Yoruichi Shihoin**

P.S. Psst—Fanfiction Authors— I'd like to see more fics about me turning into a cat, or from a cat into a naked woman in front of clueless guys. There aren't nearly enough of those.

Oh, and make sure they're  _hot_ clueless guys.


	19. Soi Fon 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

You have been granted a reprieve from a merciful deity. But rest assured, I will be watching you and if you put one foot out of line, expect oblivion.

Further, if I read one more line about my sense of humor or lack thereof, the story author will be sent directly to the Maggot's Nest.

Given our new (reluctant) stance of leniency toward your pernicious website, I recently noted that somebody hacked fanfiction dot net and wrote "Death to Yaoi" in a font simulating bloodstains on the front page. And when I examined the story pages, I observed that somebody hacked all the Aizen fics and did a global replace on all the names paired with the traitor. I now count 1,952 stories featuring Aizen x Hinamori.

I am puzzled. Who could possibly have done this?

Not that I am in favor of your scandalous website, but I am against criminal activity of any kind. When I find the perpetrator of this heinous felony, he or she will be tried by a full tribunal of the Secret Mobile Corps. Please send any tips (anonymously if you wish) to yoruichiloveslave at soulsociety dot net.

**Sincerely,**

**Captain Soi Fon**

P.S. Lady Yoruichi, I do not have  _feelings_  for that incompetent Kisuke Urahara and I never sent him a  _love_  letter! *furious scowl* That was a list of all the ways he was goofing off so you would see why he was unworthy to be a captain!

P.P.S. It's not that I don't like stuffed black kitty toys, but that huge pile of them distracted me from my job. Why is the door to Sousuke Aizen's cell hanging open?

P.P.P.S. Wait a minute. I just re-read my letter. Did somebody hack my email address? It's really buzzingbeeloveskittykat at soulsociety dot net.

P.P.P.P.S. Who is hacking my letter and replacing my email address with seditious, lying names? You will die.

XxXxXxX

**A/N:**  I'm thinking about cross-connecting more of these letters like in this series of 3.

The reference to Soi Fon's "love letter" for Urahara is canon. In the Turn Back the Pendulum arc, when Yoruichi was going to recommend Urahara for captain, Soi Fon thought he was incompetent, and she followed him around for a day writing down all the things he did to goof off. When she showed the list as evidence, Yoruichi said that it must have been a love letter to Urahara, infuriating Soi Fon.

So… who do you think hacked the website? ;) And Soi Fon's letter?


	20. Yaoi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

We got together to write to you and express our outrage.

Only ten percent of the male population is gay. Why are forty-five percent of the fanfictions on your site about us having gay sex with each other? It's disgusting.

The worst part is that it seems to be so popular. WTF!? We don't get it. As straight men (mostly), we don't like yaoi, and why would women like it, since they're not even involved?

We have decided upon a knowledgeable spokesman who can discuss this issue with the gravity it deserves.

**Sincerely,**

**All the Bleach men**

_*sounds of a scuffle*_

_*Isshin is shoved forward, protesting*_

**Isshin:**  I'm not the right spokesman! I'm so manly and strong. I couldn't possibly be anything other than completely masculine.  _*points a finger at Mayuri*_  Don't you have all the data on this topic? You can talk to them. * _sotto voce*_ Plus, with all that makeup, you're a good candidate…

**Mayuri:** _*rustles a sheet of paper*_  Based on the data, we need to utilize the appropriate expert for this discussion. According to the pairing filter on this site, Grimmjow is the most popular yaoi match, with the most prevalent so-called uke being—  _*Isshin claps his hand over Mayuri's mouth*_

**Grimmjow:**  What the fuck? No way.  _*grabs Yumichika by the back of his flowered yukata and shoves him forward*_  Use this loser as your freakin' spokesman.

**Yumichika:**  Why do you assume that just because I have a refined aesthetic sensibility and am heart-stoppingly beautiful, that I must be a homosexual? Now I believe we should talk about the art of comeliness and beauty, its allure and practice—  _*Grimmjow drop-kicks him out of the room in disgust*_

_*All the men see someone else approaching and run away.*_


	21. Yuri – Chizuru Honshou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

_*marches onto the set glaring at the departing men*_

What's with all the focus on gay men? It's discrimination! There are just as many lesbians as gay men out there and yet only two percent of your fanfictions feature yuri. Seriously, what's wrong with you? Newsflash, people: women are far more attractive than men.

Although I'm pleased that most of your stories about me involve yuri with me and some of the hottest  _Bleach_ girls, I was disgusted to see that a few of you fell into the typical patriarchal trap of assuming that all a lesbian needs is to find the right guy. Honestly! Why would I go for that clueless oaf Ichigo when Orihime's always hanging around near him? I mean, in the looks department, tell me who wins. Does Ichigo have luscious, soft, dreamy breasts?  _*sighs wistfully*_

Or that kid Toshiro? Why would I fall for him? He's always bitchy and angry. Heck, if I wanted bitchy and angry, Tatsuki's got oodles more sex appeal. Have you seen her muscles flex when she punches you?  _*lustful smirk*_

Personally, I think it's just a bunch of straight women imposing your perverted fantasies on honest lesbians like myself.

Of course… remember, like it says in the song: any woman can be a lesbian.  _*grins*_

Heh heh, I know most of you fanfiction writers are girls. If you need any tips on how to write about girls in… intimate relationships, I'd be happy to show you.  _*leers*_

Hey! You know what? After the great response they got to their first lesson, I think I'm gonna talk to the Shinigami Women's Association about this. Girl Power!  _*pumps fist in the air*_  We'll get another lesson up and we're gonna change things on fanfiction dot net! We're gonna teach you girls what's best for you.  _*winks as she marches off*_

**Sincerely,**

**Chizuru Honshou**


	22. Tite Kubo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors** ,

I'm pleased to see so many of you taking a page out of my book and leaving stories unfinished. You writers, at least, know how hard it is to complete a story. It's  _so_  much easier to leave those plot hints and ship teases all over than to actually develop them into a coherent whole. You understand, don't you?  _*puppy eyes*_  (I know, who ever heard of a 17-year-old boy with no interest in girls (or even boys)? But if I make Ichigo officially fall for either Rukia or Orihime I'll lose half my fanbase, and we wouldn't want that to happen, now would we?)

But what makes me one of a kind, and why I'm a millionaire while you're all losers with no life and dead-end jobs, is my  _completely original_ way to delay completing my plot arc. Every time I run out of plot ideas, I develop a raft of new characters. Pretty clever, huh? Even though I'm famous for that trick, my work is still one of the top-selling mangas in Japan. (Psst, I'll tell you the secret of my success: always leave your readers craving more. Never satisfy them. Then they'll keep coming back and buying your product. If you ever answer their questions, they might stop reading. Heh heh heh. Pretty evil, huh? No wonder I dreamed up one of the greatest fictional villains ever created.)

Hey, don't complain; other great artists have had similar issues. Monty Python never knew how to finish a skit, so they usually ended up blowing everything up. Politicians can't imagine how to come up with a bold agenda, so they pick a new running mate. For me, I'm hoping that one of my illnesses will turn fatal, or Shonen Jump will cancel my strip. Then everyone will say, "What a shame it was that  _Bleach_  got cancelled. It had such brilliant promise."

And it won't reflect badly on me at all. They will all say, "If only Kubo-sensei had a chance to reach his true potential, everyone would have seen he was a genius."

_*sighs*_

But don't rest on your laurels too soon, comparing yourself to me. I notice that none of you have reached unfinished stories of 500+ chapters in length.  _*pumps fist in air*_  Yes! I'm still the biggest troll of them all.

_*ahem*_

Eheheh, don't forget to support the manga, now!

**Sincerely,**

**Tite Kubo**


	23. Gin Ichimaru

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

My, my, my, this is an interestin' site ya got here.

I bet y'all thought I was dead. Can't imagine why. How many times have I tricked ya before?

Did'ja notice that ya never actually saw me get a funeral? Rangiku never actually _said_  I was dead.  _*grins*_  It ain't over till it's over.

An' speaking of it bein' over, don' be so sure everythin' in the manga is as it seems. Kubo-sensei is a tricky bastard. He musta been takin' lessons from Aizen-taichou.

I'm not too shocked at all the folks y'all seem to like pairin' me up with. But somehow I'm always such a  _nasty_  guy in yer stories. Now, is that nice? Remember, I did it all for Rangiku, so I can't be  _all_  bad. ;)

Lessee now… ya matched me up with Rukia when all I did was play a little bit with her right before her execution. So it was a bit sadistic, ne. _*shrugs*_  It doesn't mean there was anythin' more to it. So what if it was fun watchin' her squirm like snakes were stranglin' her every time I talked with her brother. Ya don' think she would take me into her bed for hot, messy sex after all that, do you? Does she look like the kinda person who would bring snakes into her love life?  _*note to self: interesting idea for later*_

There seem to be a lotta stories pairin' me and Aizen. Well, I s'pose I knew that would be suspected back when I planned to follow him and set him up. But how would he ever have had time for world domination if he was spendin' all those nights in bed with me? Relationships take time an' effort, ya know? Does Aizen look like a man who would waste time on romance when there's all those books to be read? D'ya know how many hours it takes to hide the evidence yer doin' human experimentation? Not ta mention how time-consumin' it is to implant glowing blue diamonds in yer chest. An' don' even get me started on the weeks spent arguing with architects over cost overruns for Las Noches.

Oh wait. I forgot this is fanfiction. All Aizen ever does in yer stories is have sex with everybody an' his dog. Er, fox. (Or was it panther?)

Preferably on his throne.

An' oh yeah. The only reason he takes prisoners is so he can hump 'em in his private chambers late at night when no one's lookin'. An' he made all those Arrancar just to have more sex toys. Nothin' to do with strategy or the war.  _*rolls eyes*_

If he was the kind of man y'all said he was, all his brilliant plans would never have succeeded.

Oops.  _*grins*_

An' this is the most bizarre match of all: Ichigo's inner hollow an' me. Wow. How would that even be possible? Somehow I don' think Ichigo would be too happy about the threesome.

Ya should know by now that Rangiku was always the only one for me. Sorry, Ran.

Well, enough of that.

I'm surprised all of ya ain't figured out who's been doin' some hackin'. I'll give ya a coupla clues. First, it's not one but two people. Ya can tell by lookin' at their motivations. First, there's only one person who ever thought Aizen an' Hinamori should be a couple. Second, who thinks Soi Fon is a boring stick-in-the-mud who spends too much time followin' the stupid rules?

Well, on second thought, there's lotsa people who think that.

An' as to Aizen escapin'? Now, that ain't possible, is it. If ya look in his cell, all five of yer senses would tell ya that he's still bound to that chair. Ya wouldn't deny the evidence of yer own senses, now, would ya?  _*grins*_

I didn't think so.

**Bye bye!**

**Gin Ichimaru**


	24. Rangiku Matsumoto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Hey. Whass with all those stories of yers sayin' I'm drunk alla time?  _-hic-_

I'm not drunk ALL the time.  _*pulls self together*_

And it's ridigu- rid- ridiculous that you pair me with my captain. He's just a kid! Plus, he's way too serious for me. Gives me WAAAAY too much work. Honestly, have you seen all the paperwork he dumps on me? I hardly have enough time for the important things like doing my nails and going shopping every day.

It's totally unfair how he won't let me drink sake at work. I mean, how else am I gonna get through another tough day? You'd drink too if you had a zan- zanpak- sword that's as big a brat as mine is.

And I see you got a letter from the Shinigami Women's Association. They're mean to me too! The photos I took of Izuru and Shuuhei got censored from their trading card collection. Just because they were drunk and naked! Honestly. TOTALLY UNFAIR.

Hey, just because I have drunk naked pics of Izuru and Shuuhei does NOT mean I'm in a relationship with either of them. Izuru and I were just bonding over our shared love. Er, loss.  _*sniffs*_  That's right. An' all I did was ask Shuuhei about that 69 on his cheek one night at the bar and BOOM.

But nothing happened! I swear it!

Plus, those ladies in the SWA won't let me give another lecture about how to look hot in uniform.  _*pouts*_  I think they're just jealous.

Yeah, pairing me with my captain – wow, would I ever get punished for that. It's a silly idea and I have no idea how you came up with it. If we were sleeping together, don't you think he'd stop ragging on me about getting my work done? He'd let me slack!  _*eyes widen*_  Heyyy, maybe it's not such a bad idea.

On second thought, then he'd NEVER allow me to drink sake. Not even after work. OK, forget that idea!

And someone told me that one of you might have seen Gin recently.

If y'have, can you give him a message? Ask him why he followed Aizen for a goddamn century, just so that he could try to kill him at the very last minute! I mean, that's stupid! Gin, you were supposed to be a genius. It just doesn't make sense!

You know, if you were trying to stop Aizen, why didn't you just leave an anonymous note in Captain-commander Yamamoto's suggestion box? Saying, hey, Aizen-taichou is secretly planning to overthrow Soul Society and murder the Central 46. Why don't you set the Secret Mobile Corps to tail him the next time he decides to go to the permit department for an Environmental Impact Report for Las Noches or put a trace on his computer when he orders lab supplies online from HumanExperiments-R-Us dot com?

Gin? Are you still there? Gin?

I miss you, Gin.

**Sincerely,**

**Rangiku Matsumoto**


	25. Byakuya Kuchiki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

It is time to address some of the improper and repellent claims on your website concerning certain members of the noble clans of the Seireitei.

First, let me assure you that the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. It is beneath the dignity of a noble of the Kuchiki clan to die. People with our degree of wealth and status never pass away. I never travel without my personal coterie of healers who can resurrect me instantly in the event of injury.

As to your so-called 'pairings':

I do not sleep with my sister. It is irrelevant that she is adopted or that she resembles my wife Hisana.

I would never make Lieutenant Abarai pregnant. Indeed, aren't you aware that studies show that most couples are roughly equal in intelligence?

And seriously, Ichigo Kurosaki? The boy needs to learn the meaning of respect and the proper way to address his betters. There is no way he would ever be accepted into a liaison with a noble. That includes my sister.

Indeed, it is all quite undignified and unbecoming.

Not that I would honor your plebeian site by perusing it, but its major problem is that the Seaweed Ambassador does not have its own page of fanfiction. It is not even listed in the character dropdown. Shameful.

If you ask how I know all this when reading your site is beneath me? Nobles of the Kuchiki clan don't read websites. We have people for that.

And why is the Secret Mobile Corps sniffing around the Kuchiki Manor, threatening to arrest me for 'illegal downloads of contraband material' from your site? Could it have something to do with the unauthorized Shinigami Women's Association broadband link I recently discovered on my property and annihilated with Senbonzakura?

If you are in any way involved with that, expect a call from my team of solicitors shortly.

**Sincerely,**

**Byakuya Kuchiki**


	26. Ichigo Kurosaki and Hollow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

What is this? You think I would… do  _that_ … with my inner Hollow? WTF?!  _*sputters*_

— _Did you call, King? Hahahahaha! *psychotic laugh echoing*_

You guys are sick. Just sick.

And I would never dignify him with a name. What's with all this Shiro, Shirosaki…  _Hichigo_? Heck, I just wish he would go away.

And… what is a doujinshi?

No, forget I asked. I don't want to know!

— _Mmmm, I had a_ _ **good**_ _time reading many of those stories… Especially since King was so offended that his control slipped and I was able to take over his body to write this letter._

_So, authors, we got a few minutes here, and let me tell you that I'd like you to write more about me getting it on with all the beautiful Bleach ladies. That's what it's all about, right? Those_ _**instincts** _ _that he'd secretly like to act on but is too much of a wuss to do it. Though he is right about one thing… I have no name._

_But shut the hell up about me having sex with King. How the fuck would that even work, seeing as we're the same person, idiots? And as to these 'yaoi pairings,' let me tell ya: He's not gay. Believe me, I would know. And there's no way in hell I'm allowing_ _**my** _ _body to get it up the tailpipe!_

_*Yawn* It's really boring in here, stuck inside of King, unable to make him do what he_ _**really** _ _wants to do. *psychotic grin* Maybe you could help me there… we could make this site a LOT more fun… come a little closer and I'll whisper in your ear…_

**Getsuga Tenshou!**

**Ichigo Kurosaki**


	27. Renji Abarai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Why do I always get stuck with Mary Sues who achieve bankai in the first chapter? Especially since they spend most of said chapter insulting and attacking me before we end up in bed in the second chapter. And don't forget the obligatory sex scene mentioning my tattoos and how far down they go.  _*facepalm*_

And, uh, could you stop with the matchups with Rukia? I really, really don't want her mad at me. Have you ever seen her right hook?

Hey, do I look like I need a steady girlfriend? I'm busy training to defeat Aizen and the Vandenreich. Or didn't you notice there's a war on? Seriously, you girls need to get your pens—or computers—out of the gutter.

Those stories with me and Ichigo are just … bizarre. You know, we're only good friends. Honestly, just looking at the number of stories on here where either Ichigo or I end up preggo makes me wonder about your sanity. Uh, excuse me? Last I checked, guys can't get knocked up. Not biologically possible, ladies.

I'm not even gonna talk about all those stories hooking up me and my captain.  _*looks around nervously*_  Do I look like I want to get shredded by Senbonzakura?

**Sincerely,**

**Renji Abarai**

P.S. Uh, hey, by the way, I heard there's a place in the world of the living that can repair sunglasses. Do you know how to get ahold of them?


	28. Ichigo Kurosaki 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

I am male. I am not going to turn female and have a mixed-race harem of shinigami, Arrancar, and humans all lusting after me. Nor am I going to put on makeup and a short skirt and bat my eyelashes at anybody!

No, I am not going to become a stripper in a gay bar. Not to pay for my college education. Not to pay for my sister's medical bills. Not ever!

Vampires do not exist. They especially do not sparkle. I am neither a vampire nor am I going to be bitten by a vampire. And I am especially not going to be bitten by a "hot blue-haired vampire who then proceeds to ravage the orange-haired strawberry!"

Time travel is impossible according to the laws of physics. I can't go back in time to hang out with shinigami while they still lived in Rukongai a hundred years ago. And no, I am never going to be "the youngest captain ever in the Gotei 13." If I could go back in time, don't you think the first thing I would do is stop the attack on my mother? Oh, but wait. Then there would be no plot at all for your stories. * _rolls eyes*_

Stop depicting me with cat ears and a tail! The only one of us who can turn into an animal is Yoruichi Shihoin.

Well, and maybe Komamura. Although the real question is whether he can turn back.

**Sincerely,**

**Ichigo Kurosaki**


	29. Szayel Aporro Granz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Time to debunk some of the stupid clichés about Arrancar (and myself) infesting your site.

The Arrancar cannot go into "heat." (Only female animals in the world of the living do that.) Most of the Arrancar are male, or hadn't you noticed?

Hollows do not have a "mating season" where they go and rape humans, including specifically Ichigo Kurosaki.

The Espada do not spend all our time in debauched sex orgies when we're not in meetings with Aizen-sama.

We do not spend all our time in debauched sex orgies  _during_  meetings with Aizen-sama. I mean, he actually makes us work on plans for world domination. Well, specifically, he drones on about… er… elucidates his plans and we listen. Politely. (It's not fun to be smashed into the ground by spiritual pressure.)

I have never poisoned the tea we drink at our meetings. Although… I suppose it depends on what you call  _poison_ … hmmm.

I have never had an experiment on the Espada go wrong, turning them all into children, or animals, or deranged sex maniacs. (At least not those who aren't already.)

My interest in Gin Ichimaru was purely scientific. Why do you keep claiming that I'm the only one who can creep him out? Didn't you like the flowered swing?

Mayuri Kurotsuchi was a far inferior scientist than I. He never understood the phoenix of immortality. Actually, I'm quite certain he was insane. Look at the way he experimented on his daughter. I would only experiment on my Fracción. It's quite different.

It's intriguing that so many of your stories involve me and Uryuu Ishida doing… unspeakable things.  _*creepy grin*_  On the other hand, what should one expect, since my Resurrección is called  _Fornicarás. *depraved grin*_

For some reason, everyone on your site seems to think I'm disgusting. I can't imagine why. Eating my servants, making dolls out of everyone so I can pull out their internal organs and crush them, laying an egg inside my enemies so I can devour them and emerge from their mouths, injecting my own brother with spirit recording insects so I can study his death: why is that creepy? Aren't those just all the marks of a brilliant scientist?

Well, evil maybe. But surely not creepy.

Hmmm, now that I think about it, why does Tite Kubo seem to think all scientists are evil? Truly, can you think of a  _good_ scientist in  _Bleach_? Even Urahara, who's supposed to be on the 'good' side, has… questionable morals.

Wait. Who's Tite Kubo and why am I talking about good and evil? I have no interest in morality. There is no good or evil, only power and those too weak to use it.

Uh, wait. I think I must have drunk one of my own potions. Er, poisons. I'm not only breaking the fourth wall, I'm breaking the fourth wall of other series.  _*rushes off to lab to run blood tests on himself*_

**Sincerely,**

**Szayel Aporro Granz**


	30. Shinigami Women's Association 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

At our most recent meeting (unfortunately we had to find a new room in the Kuchiki manor because the other one got blown up somehow), we were going to brainstorm topics for Lesson 2, but then Nanao gave the budget report ("Expenses: 34% candy, 22% bonbons, 13% chocolate, 18.5% mints, 5% toffee, 15.5% toys; Total Funds Left: 0") and we realized it's time for another fundraising drive.

After considering the runaway financial success of certain ex-fanfiction stories in the world of the living and our topical and incisive analysis of the flaws in fanfictions on your site, we came up with a brilliant idea. We realized that since we are now fanfiction experts, it's time to write our own version that we are quite certain will be a lucrative investment.

We've been busy researching all those juicy M-rated fics on your site… (or at least we were until somehow our broadband link went down). We assigned Momo the task of finding and categorizing all the M-rated fics, Rangiku the job of finding lots of synonyms for female and male, uh, attributes, and Yachiru the chore of eating candy while everyone else worked. Rukia, Rangiku, and Nemu wrote most of the text with lots of help from everybody else (and a lot of sake).

After all, isn't it every fanfiction writer's dream to publish a thinly-revised version of their poorly written, smutty fanfic and sell millions of copies across the globe? Now, thanks to the SWA, that dream is a reality.

Look for an illustrated copy of  _Fifty Shades of Bleach_ , coming to your favorite bookstore soon!

**Sincerely,**

**The Shinigami Women's Association**

P.S. We still need some help taking candid photos illustrating various scenes in the book, since certain Bleach cast members have been… uncooperative. Any volunteers? (No, not you, Yachiru, after what happened with the shinigami calendar!)

XxXxXxX

**A/N:**  Haha, I actually drafted a chapter of this parody work (although I'm not really familiar with the original  _Fifty Shades of Grey_ (which started life on FFnet as a Twilight fanfic called  _Masters of the Universe_ ) since I'm not a Twilight fan and have never read it). Is anybody interested in seeing it? Don't worry, it's T-rated.


	31. Shinigami Women's Association 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Here it is, by popular request, chapter 1 of  _Fifty Shades of Bleach_! We'll start with:

**Lesson 3: The three rules for writing a really bad, er, popular smutty fanfic.**

1\. Choose the most popular heterosexual pairing in your fandom or the two hottest guys. (Or both.)

2\. Skip the foreplay and go right to the main act in the first chapter. (It's all about smut, smut, smut!)

3\. Use way too many adjectives, plus a lot of cuss words and the crassest terms you can think of for human genitalia. Both your main characters should be exceedingly foul-mouthed.

4\. Don't ever let Momo write the first draft because it'll all be about you-know-who.

**Fifty Shades of Bleach**

**Pairing: Grimmjow and fem!Ichigo**

**Chapter 1**

_**This chapter has been censored to keep it at a T rating.** _

Grimmjow slammed the door off its hinges as he swaggered into the grimy bar. The teal-haired delinquent scowled, his cerulean blue orbs scanning the drunk and disorderly crowd. An unruly head of orange hair caught his eye, and he stomped over to give the orangette the once-over. A lecherous grin split his face as he liked what he saw. Maybe it would be a twice-over.

Ichigo was sitting at the bar, nursing a strawberry daiquiri and wondering how she was going to pay her family's medical bills while finishing school. Her luscious tongue slipped out of her virgin mouth to trace her swollen lips delicately. Then suddenly she was confronted by the most gorgeous hunk of manhood she had ever laid eyes upon.

" _Expletive-deleted_ , who the  _expletive-deleted_  are you?" asked the muscle-bound blunette, ogling Ichigo in a randy way. "I've never seen you in this bar before."

Ichigo glared at the blunette, her amber orbs snapping. "Why the  _expletive-deleted_  should I tell you, asshole?"

Grimmjow's azure orbs narrowed. "Because I'm gonna  _expletive-deleted_  your sexy  _expletive-deleted_  and  _expletive-deleted_  over and over again until you can't move tonight."

A jolt shot up Ichigo's  _expletive-deleted_. Man, this guy was sexy. His domineering attitude turned her on and she just wanted to melt into a puddle of strawberry-flavored mush at the blunette's feet. She had secretly always wanted to be dominated, just like all women. Her tawny orbs softened and she purred, "With a pickup line like that, I'm surprised you don't have all the ladies drooling at your feet, just begging to be _expletive-deleted_ with your big  _expletive-deleted_."

Grimmjow blustered, shoving his manly body into Ichigo's personal space, "I also am a billionaire who started his own company, but because of my troubled past I haven't been able to have a meaningful relationship yet."

At that, Ichigo slid off the bar stool. "Whistle and I'm yours, you manly hunk of man." She pursed her cherry-red lips significantly and Grimmjow swooped down on them to engulf them in a blazing kiss that lit Ichigo's curvy body on fire from her cute pink-painted toenails to her lush, spiky orange hair.

Soon they were in Grimmjow's luxurious penthouse apartment,  _expletive-deleted_  like a couple of  _expletive-deleted_   _expletive-deleted_ s.

_Too many expletives. Remainder of chapter deleted._

**Sincerely,**

**The Shinigami Women's Association**

P.S. Eheheh, make sure not to show this to either Grimmjow or Ichigo! Apparently there was an attack on our old headquarters and a lot of our printed copies were destroyed by Ceros or Getsuga Tenshou. But we have more copies hidden! Order now if you want the uncensored version, fully illustrated!

_Ichigo: Illustrated? How did you manage that?_

P.P.S. Uh oh _._

XxXxXxX

**A/N:**  Anybody want more chapters or was that enough?

_Ichigo: That was enough!_


	32. Ichigo Kurosaki 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

What the fuck are you doing?! Now you've got the Shinigami Women's Association doing  _exactly_  all the wrong things we told you not to! Like genderbending and putting me together with that asshole.

Your "lesson" should have been: Never get Rangiku and Yachiru together in a room with a lot of sake and candy!

I've already destroyed about a thousand copies of that trashy fanfic. And if I find it on your computers don't expect me to respect private property!

_(Grimmjow) Yeah, you made me look like a freakin' idiot! Plus I don't go to bars. How many times do I have to tell you? I'm a Hollow!_

_What's even worse,_   _you're disrespecting my prey. Do you think he would deserve to fight me if he were all girly like that? *snorts*_

Who are you calling prey? How'd you get in my letter anyway?!

And what's all this crap about "secretly wanting to be dominated"?

_They said "all women" want that. Not you, jerk. Although… heh heh._

Who are you calling a jerk, jerk? I heard more copies got printed so I'm on my way to the Kuchiki Manor now to deal with that problem.

_Not to worry, jerk. I'm already there. And don't fret your pretty little head about it. I know you're too much of a pansy to really get this job done, so I've taken care of it for you._

**Getsuga Tenshou!**

**Ichigo Kurosaki**

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

We would hereby like to extend our most sincere apologies to you all and especially to Grimmjow Jaegerjaques and Ichigo Kurosaki for our slanderous and offensive publication. We hereby retract all our previous statements, agree to destroy all extant copies of  _Fifty Shades of Bleach,_ and in the future, promise to keep the sake away from Lieutenant Matsumoto and the sugar away from Lieutenant Kusajishi.

_*sotto voce*_  There! Is that good enough? Now will you let Rangiku go?  _*grumbles*_  As if destroying our new headquarters wasn't enough…

**Sincerely,**

**Shinigami Women's Association**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:**  Gulp! No more chapters of that kind! I promise!


	33. Shinigami Women's Association 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

As part of our extorted, er,  court-ordered restitution plan, here is lesson 4 on how NOT to write the  _Bleach_  cast out-of-character ("OOC").

**Lesson 4 – The Dreaded OOC.**

Is  _your_  fanfiction OOC? Take our handy quiz and find out.

**Your male character gets pregnant.**  We've already discussed so-called mpreg and where it should be stuck. Yes, give yourself 5 points; no, 0 points. Sort-of, 10 points. That's just too scary.

**Ichigo, Rukia, or Orihime are royalty.**  Too much wishful thinking, ladies. 5 points for each prince or princess. 2 points each for lesser nobility like dukes or viscountesses.

**Ichigo is a wuss, Rukia is a bitch, or Orihime is a slut.**  Enough said. 5 points for each slur.

**Ichigo, Aizen, or Rangiku are teachers in the world of the living.**  Uh, yeah. Have you forgotten? Ichigo is a teenager, Aizen is too busy plotting world domination to waste his time in a high school, and it would interfere with Rangiku's drink- er, career as a soul reaper. 5 points for each teacher. 10 points for each incidence of sexual molestation of students. 15 points if the students so molested are Ichigo, Orihime, or Rukia. 20 points if the molestee is Toshiro.

**Making unrelated characters siblings.**  5 points for each sibling. 20 points if either Ichigo and Rukia or Ichigo and Orihime are brother and sister. Really, girls? That's just a way-too-transparent attempt to push your own ship forward. Er, unless you're into incest, and that's even more disgusting.

**Ichigo and nakama going to the Soul Reaper Academy.**  5 points for each student. 20 points if they fall in love with an extraordinarily powerful OC at the Academy.

**Characters overuse Japanese words like "baka" and "gomen."**  5 points for each occurrence. 20 point bonus if there are so many Japanese words sprinkled throughout you have to include a glossary.

**Clothes characters would never wear.**  5 points for each offensive outfit. 10 points if Ichigo wears a dress or a black leather thong.

**Rukia gets a "makeover" where the Bleach gals try to teach her to be more feminine**. 10 points plus 10 minutes in a room with Sode no Shirayuki.

**Any characters as Romeo and Juliet.**  Bleach characters aren't suicidal. 5 points for each Capulet or Montague.

**Ulquiorra plots against or kills Aizen.**  Never gonna happen, folks. Sorry. 5 points for each offense.

**Aizen is a nice guy.** Uh, sorry, fangirls, but he's the  **villain**. As in,  **evil**. Just because he's hot doesn't excuse all the crimes he's committed. So get over your crazy obsessions. 20 points.

**Ichigo is a player.**  Just NO. 20 points for this defamation.

**Lesbian!Orihime. Or Rukia.**  No. You're thinking of Chizuru. 5 points for each offense.

Finally and especially (as ordered!):

**Making Ichigo female.**  He's a guy with a great big powerful sword. Not a woman. 100 points.

**Placing Ichigo and Grimmjow in any sort of sexual relationship**. They're powerful fighters and  **enemies**. Do the above and we can no longer vouch for your safety. 100 points.

Well, that's enough for today's lesson. Part 2 will be posted later.

XxXxXxX

**Score Interpretations**

**0-5 points.**  Congratulations! Your fanfiction might be worthy of a read. We might even send someone over to discuss serialization and royalties.

**10-50 points.**  You need to do some serious editing. Now.

**60-100 points.**  What's wrong with you? Why are you even bothering writing for _Bleach_  since you don't know the characters well enough!

**Over 100 points.**  We see from the smoking rubble that someone has already given you a better lesson than we can.

**Sincerely,**

**Shinigami Women's Association**

XxXxXxX

**A/N** : Oops. Er, I better not tell anyone  _my_  score…  _*cringes*_


	34. Shinigami Men's Association

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.
> 
> _**Note:** This is a response from the Shinigami Men's Association._
> 
> _I recently read part of the fanfic "My Immortal" and I think my brain has putrefied. Google it along with "worst fanfiction ever" and see what you think….._
> 
> _**Warning:** This chapter may not be that funny unless you know of "My Immortal" and have read at least the first, awful chapter._

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors** ,

We heard the SWA is trying to write a popular, best-selling fanfiction novel. Well, we can write one too! And we think we'll sell more copies because we found an even better example of what it takes to make a fanfiction popular. This one we found got over 10,000 reviews!

So here we go with "My Bleach Immortal."  _*sound of toilet flushing in the background*_

**My Bleach Immortal**

**By the Shinigami Men's Association**

**Pairing:**  Ichigo x OC

**Chapter 1.**

Hi my name is Pallid Light'ness Dove Insanity Ise (AN: geddit becuz its Bleach and not black so evrything's white) and I have long pure white hair that reaches my mid-back kind of like Ukitake's only softer and nicer because I'm a girl (AN: of course Ukitake's a major f*cking hottie so get da hell out of here if u don't like him). I have gorgeous blue orbs like Gin (AN: anuther big time hottie) except my eyes aren't closed all the time. I have big beautiful boobs like Rangiku that are always about to bust out of my really tight clothing.

I have pale white skin and I'm also a shinigami (AN: that means deth god u n00b) so I go to the shinigami Academy. Today I was wearing a white corset with matching lace all around and a white leather miniskirt, white thigh highs and white combat boots. I was wearing white lipstick, white eyeliner, and white eyeshadow. And oh yeah I had on white nail polish with little pictures of Japanese characters on it.

"Hey Pallid!" shouted a deep voice sexily. I looked up. It was... ... Ichigo Kurosaki!

"What's up dude?" I said flirtily.

"Nothing," he said depressedly.

"Oh," I said boredly.

"Hey," he said excitedly, "want to go to a Good Charlotte Cuuhlhorne concert over in Karakura Town?"

"Yeah," I said droolingly (AN: GCC is like totally my fave band and u suk if u don't lik them) and we got in his senkaimon and drove to Karakura where the band was already playing.

We were in the park moshing to the tunes when a Hollow showed up and everybody screamed we're all gonna die…... but Ichigo cut off its head with his big zan, uh, sword-thing.

I grinned at him sexily and Ichigo said, "Pallid, I love you and I'm gonna slit my wrists and drink the blood unless you love me too."

I said, "Hey dude, whatevs." Then he put his boy thingy in my you-know-what and we did it against a tree right there in the park next to the decapadated Hollow.

Just then my friends called me on my fox-shaped cellphone and I had to go.

XxXxXxX

So what do you think?

**Sincerely,**

**Shinigami Men's Association**

_**Nanao:**  This is the worst excuse for a fanfiction I've ever read, Iba! It's going to fail just like all your other pathetic attempts to compete with us._

_**Iba:**  You're just jealous that we're making more money than you because all your books were destroyed._

_**Nanao:**  And why'd you put my name on your horrible Mary Sue?_

_**Iba:**  *grins* Why do you think? Hey, wanna buy one of our macho cellphones? I'll give you a discount._

_*sound of the impact of fist against flesh, then running feet*_

_**Nanao** : (off in the distance) And someone hacked your letter too!_

_*toilet flushes*_


	35. Kisuke Urahara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Why does everyone seem to think I'm the hacker?  _*waves fan*_  I'm just a humble but attractive shopkeeper, nothing more. How could I possibly know enough about computers to hack into them?

I'm merely a purveyor of fine merchandise at reasonable prices. By the way, interested in buying a special gigai? Or how about my latest version of soul candy? I  _promise_  there will be no side-effects… this time. I can give you a good deal!

And what's with all the titles like 'mastermind of Bleach'? All I did was help Ichigo defeat an evildoer. Speaking of which, I think someone slick enough to fool Aizen would be far more likely to be the hacker. Did you notice that a letter mentioned fox-shaped cellphones? And I heard Gin Ichimaru was writing letters earlier. You might want to look on  _his_  computer for evidence.

Now, the way you all seem to think I'm a pervert is distressing.  _*peers out from under brim of hat*_  Have I ever shown any evidence in canon that I'm a pervert? Why are there so many stories about me getting it on with Ichigo? I'm the poor owner of a small-time candy store, and Ichigo is a super-powerful substitute shinigami! One of the five special war potentials! What could he possibly see in me?

Besides, Isshin really wouldn't like it, you know.

Why are there so many fanfics where Yoruichi is a noble and I'm a peasant she picks up on a dark night? Does Yoruichi look like someone who would pick up a mangy stray cat? Well… never mind. But why does everyone assume we have a romantic relationship? Just because she chewed me out during a battle? Tsk tsk, you people have some strange ideas about love.

Or Shinji and I? Now that's strange. All we had in common were being Aizen's victims that one night. And as to Aizen… well, it's possible he did seem a little fascinated with me  _*flutters fan*_  but believe me, the feeling was  _not_ mutual.

You might want to tone down the unorthodox romances in your writing. Benihime might get upset, and she really isn't nice when she awakens.

**Sincerely,**

**Kisuke Urahara**


	36. Nelliel Tu Oderschwanck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Where's Itsygo? He said I should come and read these funny stories. But he said I should only click on the letter K. Isn't that silly? Itsygo is always saying funny things. I think he needs a biiiiig hug! I better go find him soon!

He also said I should definitely not read stories with the letter M and me and Grimmjow. Now that's really strange. I wonder what's wrong with those letter M stories? Especially with Grimmy. Well… he is pretty scary. And I should tell Itsygo that if M stands for 'masochist,' that it's okay for me to see them.

But Dondochakka, Pesche, and Bawa Bawa aren't even listed on the drop-down. That makes me sad. Who am I gonna play eternal tag with?

XxXxXxX

Hello. I'm pleased to meet you, although it seems that you fanfiction authors don't really take us seriously. There are some very tragic circumstances going on in Bleach, and yet your stories focus almost exclusively on humor or romance.

Why would Kubo-sensei spend so much time describing what happened between Nnoitra and me? Not for the sordid purposes you seem to imagine. When we regained our capacity for reason, it changed our fundamental nature and especially our purpose in fighting. Kubo mentions 'reason' a lot in this manga… Think about why.

**Sincerely,**

**Nel (Nelliel Tu Oderschwanck)**


	37. Nnoitra Jiruga

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Why the fuck are you writing all these sloppy, soft stories about me and Nel? Didn't you get it that she was my competition and I crushed her! I tricked her and got her kicked out of the Espada. Stupid bitch didn't deserve to live. Not that any bitches are worth a shit, anyway. And Tesla's my goddamn slave, not my comfy little play bunny. As for Szayel, hah! I'm not stupid enough to get anywhere near that hopped-up crazy's lab unless it's to fuckin' chop him up into itty bitty pieces.

This whole thing is just a piece of crap. I can't believe I'm even writing you one of these letters. How the hell is this shit happening?

_**Grimmjow:** _ _Ha! You might as well admit that those bitches blackmailed you same as the rest of us, spoonhead._

Grimmkitty, stay the fuck out of my letter! Nobody blackmails me!

_**Grimmjow** _ _(laughing): Then why are you writing?_

_*Nnoitra takes out zanpakutou and begins to spin it*_

I'm gonna smash you all to pieces!

**The strongest Espada,**

**Nnoitra Jiruga**


	38. Aaroniero Arruruerie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Why do I have less than a page of stories when all the others have thousands? Since I have eaten so many souls and hold their knowledge within me, I am far more interesting than the others.

At least I'm at the top of all the drop-down lists, thanks to my lexicographic advantages.

Don't you want to know all of Kaien Shiba's secrets? Why Ichigo looks like him? I'm the only one who knows.

I've always needed to know everything. More souls. More!

You wouldn't believe how many answers I could tell you. There are many, many other secrets that plenty of people would like kept in the dark. For example, did you know that even Tite Kubo thinks I'm creepy?

I'm more than just a plot device to reveal Rukia Kuchiki's backstory, I guarantee!

And how come none of you can spell my name?

**Sincerely,**

**Aroniere**

**Aarroniro**

**Aaroniero Arruruerie**

XxXxXxX

_**Gin** _ _: I could never spell his name either. An' those two creepy heads made me shiver!_

_**Urahara** _ _: Look who's talking about creepy. Didn't Kubo say he was surprised how many fangirls a creepy guy like you had?_

_**Gin** _ _: Well, at least they didn't call me a pervert like you._

_**Urahara** _ _: …You're living in a dream world, Ichimaru._

_**Gin** _ _: Aren't we all?_

XxXxXxX

**A/N:**  Every time I typed this guy's name I had to look it up... Meh, kind of hard to make him funny, and who even knows what's in character for him?


	39. Orihime Inoue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

So, I read your comments on my last letter, and what are you saying about my cooking? I don't understand. Is there something wrong with my cooking?  _*puts finger to mouth in puzzlement*_

I also wanted to let you know I don't read any fanfictions rated M or above. I'm only 17 after all! I'm not allowed to read things like that. But I did look at the summaries and they are very strange…

First, I am not Kurosaki-kun's sister! That just totally doesn't make sense. He's—well, I don't see why anybody would write me as his sister when it's pretty clear that our relationship is quite different.  _*looks sad*_

And yeah, eheheh, me and Ishida-kun!  _*blushes*_  He is such a sweetheart. I especially love all the outfits he makes for me and everyone! Aren't they so cute? But we're just friends.

Here's what I especially don't understand: Why would you pair me with Aizen? He kidnapped me! He's really a very bad man and far far older than me. We are about as different as you can get! Is it just because he touched my face in that one scene (omigod I was scared he was going to kiss me  _*blushes*)_  and told me to wait while he destroyed my hometown?  _*gets very red and looks angry*_  That's not really a good pick-up line, you know. He's always touching people and calling them "my dear Espada" or something but it doesn't mean anything! It's just as silly to pair me with him as it is to pair… Kurosaki-kun with him!

Also, why am I always going shopping in your fics? I don't like shopping that much (I'm really too poor to buy anything…). I only wanted to be nice to Rangiku that one time. And don't pair me with her either!

You know, maybe it's all a mistake. I read all these fics that had my name in them, but it didn't really seem like me, so maybe this site has an error in the system, or somebody hacked it, or something?

I saw you were asking for votes for your next letter… may I vote? My suggestion is you should have another letter from Kurosaki-kun!  _*blushes again*_

**Sincerely,**

**Orihime Inoue**

XxXxXxX

_**Ulquiorra** _ _: Why is Orihime listed here among the Espada? She is a human._

_**Gin** _ _: She was here so long we gave her honorary membership. Besides, aren't ya glad of her company?_

_**Ulquiorra** _ _: Glad? Why would you say that? I was simply following orders to take care of the prisoner._

_**Gin** _ _: *smirks* Sure._

_**Ulquiorra** _ _: You are as bad as those fanfiction writers. She is simply a human._

_**Gin** _ _: Haven't ya heard about the twist Kubo's plannin' for the end of Bleach? It'll turn out that Orihime was behind it all. That whole ditzy ADHD thing was just an act (just like a certain captain was actin' for such a long time). She's got the powers of a god, after all, and the whole "kidnap" routine was simply a ploy to get her to Hueco Mundo and put her in touch with her top agent, Aizen, so she could issue him her latest instructions to make it look like he was really the bad guy._

_*laughs* Man, a certain somebody with a big ego's really gonna hate that part. *grins*_

_**Ulquiorra** _ _: I see it now. You are the hacker. And the troll behind the entire series._

_**Gin** _ _: *points at self with innocent expression* Moi?_


	40. Coyote Starrk and Lilynette Gingerbuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

_*yawn*_ Hello, it's me, Starrk _._ Lilynette told me I'm supposed to write a letter to you, but I can't find my pencil, so I'm going to take a nap.  _*lies down*_

**Oy! Wake up, you lazy moron! _*Lilynette sticks fist down Starrk's throat*_**

_*opens eyes blearily*_  Why do I have to wake up?

**_*Lilynette starts tickling him*_  I won't stop tickling until you wake up.**

_*laughs and squirms and finally sits up*_  OK, OK. What do you want me to say?

**Don't you get it? It's pathetic how you're just layin' around when these so-called writers are makin' you look bad!**

How do they make me look bad?

_***heavy sigh*** _ **Well, for one thing, they always write you molesting that substitute shinigami kid. It's shameful, that's what it is.**

Who?

**What do you mean who? The main character! Ichigo Kurosaki!**

Main character? What? Isn't that us?

_***Lilynette** _ _**kicks him hard***_ **No, you idiot! We're just a minor character in the series.**

Oh. So, we assist the main character?

**No, you idiot, we work for the villain! Haven't you been payin' attention? Oh, I guess not. You were probably asleep at that meeting.**

Aizen-sama is the villain? Oh, so that must be why he didn't care about our comrades dying. That was too bad. And after we finally found someone we could be around without killing. That's so discouraging. All that time and effort, just to find out we're one of the bad guys.  _*sighs and lies down again*_  Well, that's it. I'm done. Let's just go home and get some sleep.  _*starts snoring loudly*_

**Fine! I'll just take over the letter then! Listen, you lousy perverts, stop writing us in sexual situations. Starrk's too busy sleeping to molest anyone, and even though I don't have an age, I look like a little kid, so you should be ashamed of yourselves!**

**Sincerely,**

Coyote Starrk **and Lilynette Gingerbuck**

XxXxXxX

_**Gin** _ _: I liked the stories with me an' Starrk._

_**Lilynette:** _ _Those were the worst, you pervert! You're disgusting._

_**Gin:** _ _I wouldn' be so quick ta insult me. Didn't ya know how easy it is to hack someone's account when they're always sleepin'?_


	41. Barragan Luisenbarn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Hah! I was pleased to see that not a single one of the stories about me on your pathetic site had to do with romance. Even you ants know that decay and aging are not romantic subjects.

I assume you've heard that electronic storage decays much faster than older methods like parchment, paper, or especially stone? The more elaborate the 'technology' you pathetic humans build, the weaker you appear in comparison to the mightiest and most absolute power of death. The internet will crumble before me; all your pitiful stories are beneath my contempt! Why even bother to write such drivel when you know it will fade? It's not as though you are even creating anything original!

This is boring and stupid. I order you, as the King of Hueco Mundo, to kill each other.

Oh. Wait a minute; I see from your "flames" that you already are doing that.

Carry on.

**Sincerely,**

**Barragan Luisenbarn**

XxXxXxX

_**Gin** _ _: There's a reason I let Ichigo-chan host the Arrancar Encyclopedia wi' this guy. It's too much work!_

_**Ichigo (glares):** _ _I don't think he's very funny, anyway. Why does he get to write a letter? I'd like to see some of the newer characters, like the Royal Guard._

_**Gin:** _ _Nah, Chan-Ichi, there's still lotsa folks who prefer the ol' characters of Bleach._

_**Ichigo (scowls):** _ _Don't call me that!_ _**(points finger)** _ _You just want to go back to the days when you were still alive._

_**Gin (shrugs):** _ _…I've never been alive on this show._


	42. Wonderweiss Margela

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Aaaaaah. Uuuuuuuuunh. Yeawooooah.

**Sincerely,**

**Wonderweiss Margela**

XxXxXxX

_**Kaname Tousen:** _ _I shall translate. As he is a pure being, it is very appropriate that fewer than ten percent of the fanfics featuring Wonderweiss are rated M._

_And he likes to play with dragonflies and butterflies. You have a problem with that?_

_**Gin:** _ _I think he said somethin' else._

_**Tousen:** _ _(sniffs) He finds you disturbing._

_**Gin:** _ _Me? Disturbin'? Awwww. (aside) What I found disturbin' was that pairin' of Wonderweiss and Orihime. I mean, how does that even make sense?_

_**Orihime:** _ _(pops up beside Gin) Hi! Did somebody say my name?_

_**Gin** _ _: (pretends to be startled) Now that's even more disturbin'. How'd she get here?_

_**Orihime:** _ _Umm, yeah. (points at self with the hand holding a leek) Powers of a god, remember? (puts a hand behind her neck and blushes_ _) Eheheh. Jk._

_**Gin:** _ _Definitely disturbin'. Especially the way ya do stuff like chat-speak here and make yer eyes look like "3s." Hah. Maybe ya do have somethin' in common with that creepy kid._

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Um, not a lot of material to work with Wonderweiss's speech there, sorry!


	43. Loly Aivirrne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Why are most of your stories about me also about Kurosaki? I've never even met him in canon, other than being in the room during one of his pathetic fights. I don't give a fuck about that stupid human. And I hate that bitch friend of his! _*spits*_   Monster!

And what is it with stories where I'm getting tortured by Aizen-sama?

My God and creator would never do something like that.

_*sighs*_

…but I wish he would.

P.S. Want to see me hide my zanpakutou in my outfit?

**Sincerely,**

**Loly Aivirrne**

XxXxXxX

_**Menoly:** _ _C'mon, admit it, you're a perv._

_**Loly** _ _: Shut th'hell up! …I'm only a perv with one man._

_**Menoly** _ _: (rolls eyes) I wonder who that could be._


	44. Yammy Llargo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

They told me I was s'posed to write a letter, so I'm dictatin' it to the number 5 Espada, Ulquiorra. I really don' understand what's goin' on. Aizen-sama told us all that mattered was power, and I got that. He said somethin' about not trustin' anybody, and that was easy. And somehow zero was better than ten. But I wasn' ever sure what those numbers meant anyway.

I don' really know how I ended up dead.

Wait. How come I'm still able to write to you?

And where's my puppy?

**Sincerely,**

**Yammy Llargo**

XxXxXxX

_**Orihime** _ _: Oh, that's so sad! Yammy always makes me cry. He just needs a hug. It's so lonely here in Hueco Mundo. Oh! You know who else needs a hug?_

_(A garganta appears and Gin steps out of it, grinning)_

_**Gin** _ _:_ **I** _need a hug!_

_**Orihime** _ _: (taken aback) You're not who I was talking about. And Yammy really needs to learn that Ulquiorra's number is 4._

_**Ulquiorra** _ _: You remember my number? But you don't remember Yammy tried to kill you?_

_**Orihime** _ _: (waves hands) Well, I'm sure it was all a misunderstanding! I'd still be happy to hug him._

_**Ulquiorra** _ _: (stares at Orihime) Did you bring me here, woman?_

_**Orihime** _ _: Eheheh! Me? (blushes) Weren't you already here? Yammy was dictating the letter to you, wasn't he? Anyway, Espada should all know one another's numbers. It was like a big deal for you, wasn't it? Hey! I've got an idea. We can get all the Espada to do a bonding exercise, you know, where they all sit in a circle and share personal information?_

_**Ulquiorra** _ _: What is this nonsense?_

_**Orihime** _ _: Eheheh! I just wish that we could all get along! Humans, shinigami, hollows, quincies, everybody!_

_**Ulquiorra** _ _: … but we are warriors, woman._

_**Gin** _ _: Hey! Not to interrupt yer little spat, but I'm here, waitin' for my hug!_


	45. Tier Harribel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

No world, not even that of fanfiction, is without sacrifices. But I have no desire to stoop to the level sustained by many of you so-called writers who seem to believe that violence against women is acceptable. Therefore, I will remain silent.

_**Apacci** _ _: You bastards! How dare you badmouth Harribel-sama in your lousy fics? It doesn't matter what she's wearing! You get her character wrong anyway, so I guess you're ignorant as well as worthless! And it's offensive, the way you pair her off with random males who are beneath her, like that human boy. You even paired her with Ichimaru, of all the nerve!_

_**Mila Rose** _ _: Don't let them get you so riled up, Apacci!_

_**Apacci** _ _: You're the one who got riled up when that bitch called you a "female gorilla."_

_**Sung-Sun** _ _: Please stop bickering, you two. It just makes us all look weak. Harribel-sama is correct: we should take the high ground and refuse to lower ourselves to their level, even when they make lewd comments about her outfit._

_**Mila Rose** _ _: Shut up!_

_**Apacci** _ _: Whose side are you on, anyway? And, uh… what lewd comments did they make?_

_(Harribel steps forward, gesturing for them to be silent.)_

There is no need to worry. We women will win by standing together as a group against the objectification of women. You will see.

**Sincerely,**

**Tier Harribel**

XxXxXxX

_**Gin** _ _: Did I hear someone sayin' my name? (grins) Well, ya gotta admit, that outfit of yours, and the way Kubo draws ya? (fans self) Hot!_

_**Harribel** _ _: (stares at him expressionlessly) You might want to remember that my release is shark-based. I believe one fanfic got it right when it said I have teeth in my vagina._

_**Gin** _ _: (takes a step backward) Riiight. No offense, eh now? (smiles nervously) Uh, I think I hear Aizen-taichou callin' me. Gotta go! Bye-bye! (shunpoes away)_


	46. Zommari Rureaux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

It's pathetic that on your entire internet I only have seven fanfictions. And the worst is that the only pairing I get is with that creeper Szayel. And it wasn't even really a pairing, just about a banana. You'd think that with my pumpkin release I'd at least be paired with Orihime Inoue. I saw her in that pumpkin costume. I deserve to be paired with someone hot!

Not to mention that none of you wanted to see me write a chapter! What's wrong with you? I'm the fastest Espada, my eyes can steal the sovereignty of whatever they see, and I almost defeated one of the most powerful shinigami captains, Byakuya Kuchiki ( _mi amor_ , and why does no one pair me with him?!).

Why do all you humans ignore me? I should be seen as the sun in Bleach, and the light of the moon is at the command of the sun!

The shinigami slay hollows as if it were their birthright. Who gave them the right? They call us evil, and consign us to be fodder for the shinigami's swords. But what is evil in this series? The Espada are the redshirts of Bleach.

And why is my aspect of Death intoxication? I never understood why.

I suppose it's time to meditate upon all these questions that have no answers. At least I died before I could be betrayed by Aizen-sama.

Ommmmmmm.

**Sincerely,**

**Zommari Rureaux**


	47. Luppi Antenor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Why am I the universal punching bag in your fics? Whenever someone wants to show how evil Aizen is or how brutal Grimmjow is, there I am, slimy and just waiting to be tortured! Or I'm the creepy minor character that gets killed off in one of the early chapters. The worst part is how everyone thinks I'm a girl. I'm not, I'm a powerful guy!

I'm powerful enough to be ranked 6th among the Espada! I would still be there if that bastard Grimmjow hadn't tricked me (and that pathetic human girl hadn't pretended to have power).

And why ( _licks lips_ ) is there only one fic of me and Rangiku-chan together? And it's not even rated M! ( _pouts_ ) Why not more? I mean, with my tentacles, we all know the trope about those! I need to get more action around here.

**Sincerely,**

**Luppi Antenor**

XxXxXxX

_**Gin** _ _: I still miss Luppi! We got along so well together… I got kinda lonely in Hueco Mundo after he died. For some reason, most of the Espada ain't too fond of me. (aside) But did ya notice there were four times as many fics of Luppi paired with me than him paired with Rangiku? (grins)_

_**Luppi** _ _: (shudders elaborately) Ugh. What did I tell you in our omake? I don't really like you either._

_**Gin** _ _: (pouts) That's so hurtful!_


	48. Pesche Guatiche and Dondochakka Birstanne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Hey! How come we're not even listed on the dropdown character menu of your site?

**Yeah! That's totally not fair, don'cha know?**

I mean, what if someone wants to write an epic story about us?

**Or describe my bee-you-ti-full polka dots, don'cha know?**

Or  _(sniggers)_  pair me with Cirucci Sanderwicci? I know she liked my loincloth (unlike Szayel)!

**We're one of the few who survived the destruction of Las Noches, don'cha know?**

An' my 'Infinite Slick' was sooo important in helping save that black-haired substitute shinigami and Quincy, whatshisname, Ichigo. So why hasn't anyone written about me defeating Cirucci with my best friend Ichigo and our awesome 'Infinite Pesche Quincy Snot'?

**We're funny** _**and** _ **good! We took care of Nel. We're not just annoying, don'cha know?**

…Umm, Dondochakka, who we talking to?

**Who? (** _**shrugs** _ **) Dunno.**

Uh… time for another game of eternal tag! You're it!

**Sincerely,**

Pesche and **Dondochakka**

XxXxXxX

_**Uryuu:** _ _(yells from offstage) I told you before and I'll say it again: my name isn't Ichigo, that technique doesn't exist, and as a matter of fact it'll never exist!_

_**Pesche** _ _: Awww, you're smiling again… could it be… that you love me?_

_**Uryuu** _ _: …what the hell…?_


	49. Charlotte Cuuhlhourne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Only six fics on your site? ( _Shakes head and tosses glossy purple hair back_ ) I suppose it's that you cretins don't truly understand beauty. I, the most exquisite being in all of creation, will deign to enlighten you.

First, none of these so-called fanfictions are worthy of one such as me. I am a princess and these stories do not reflect the reality of my awesomeness. One isn't even about me, and in another I admit to only being the  _second_  most beautiful creature in existence. Now  _that_  is OOC.

In another, I work in a  _taco joint_? Unbelievable. As if a princess would stoop to slinging fast food.

I, Charlotte Cuuhlhourne, will now show you how to write  _beautiful_  fanfiction. Observe:

**Title: Beautiful Charlotte Cuuhlhourne's Holy Wonderful Pretty Super Magnificent Sexy Sexy Glamorous Story**

_(You see, I am very talented at naming. Did you notice how I used "Sexy" twice? winky-face)_

An amazingly beautiful creature walks into the town. His spectacular sexy long wavy gorgeous perfect stylish unbelievably shining purple tresses float in the wind behind him. All up and down the street, humans, hollows, and shinigami stop to gape in wonder at this vision.

A pathetic and homely shinigami bows before him. "Sir, a beautiful princess like you must belong in the royal palace. Please allow this humble servant, a mere lieutenant, to guide you there."

The gorgeous creature swirls his pink miniskirt. "As it happens, the King himself has requested the presence of true beauty, so that he may learn how to make the world a better place."

The ugly shinigami bows again. "The world is made a better place simply by your presence. I, who live in hideousness with dull senses, beg that you put an end to the suffering that is my life. It is a fitting task for the one more beautiful than any other."

The graceful being smiles. "Very well. I, Charlotte Cuuhlhourne, am nothing if not magnanimous."

He clasps his hands together over his head and calls out, "Now you will receive Beautiful Charlotte Cuuhlhourne's Lovely Cutie Fanatic Aquatic Dynamic Domestic Thunder Punch!" He slams his hands into the shinigami, who instantly dies, thus ridding the world of a hideous blot on existence.

Everyone in the town applauds, and Charlotte goes on a victory parade to the King's Palace.

THE END

**Sincerely,**

**Charlotte Cuuhlhourne**

XxXxXxX

_**Yumichika:** _ _That's the ugliest excuse for a 'story' I've ever heard! I refuse to read something so hideous._

_**Charlotte** _ _: (mincing) It's always the ugly ones who call others ugly._


	50. Ichigo and the Nakama vs. The Villains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> Special thanks are due to imran102, from whose excellent review I quote in the body of this letter [with permission]. With further thanks to TV Tropes for all the trope names used below.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Ichigo here, and I have to say: Finally! An author on this site with some intelligence! I'm just going to quote from what he says.

_**(Imran102)**_  " _You really make me sick when you write the Bleach villains as protagonists in your fics. It makes no sense._

_Examples:_

_Grimmjow. Everyone ignores the fact that he tried to kill Rukia, does 'good' things simply for the sake of an enjoyable fight, and is pretty much Kenpachi without good qualities. And EVERYONE seems to accept him as a good guy these days._

_Gin. Let's see...Trolled Rukia, helped Aizen kill an unknown number of people, almost killed Hiyori, and probably a ton of other evil deeds we don't yet know. Sure, he did it out of love, but does that really justify anything? Saying that massacring hundreds of people for the sake of love is okay is just wrong._

_Aizen. Denying that Aizen is evil is like denying the Earth is round. Do I even need to explain myself? Lots of people try to justify it by saying he's doing it because the Soul King is evil etc., but that makes things worse. So destroying a city to commit deicide is a good thing? Congratulations, you've earned yourself a spot in a mental asylum."_

**_(Ichigo nods head vigorously)_**  I completely agree. Some of you 'authors' definitely belong in an asylum.

_**(Orihime raises hand timidly)**  Um, well, Kurosaki-kun, remember that you started out fighting Renji and Byakuya, and now they're your friends. And right now, we're protecting hollows in Hueco Mundo and they used to be our enemies too._

**_(Ichigo pauses_ )** Well, I guess you have a point.  ** _(Considers, then rallies)_**  But remember that Renji and Byakuya never really did anything criminal. And the hollows we're protecting are mostly low-level. They're not homicidal maniacs like Aizen, Gin, or Grimmjow.

Besides, if you turn all the Bleach villains into good guys, then what happens to the drama and tension in the story?

So, stop it. Write the villains the way Kubo intended them, as bad guys!

At least I haven't seen Juha Bach written as a good guy yet.

**Sincerely,**

**Ichigo, along with Renji, Rukia, Orihime, Chad, and the rest of the good guys**

XxXxXxX

_**Uryuu** _ _: Hey! How come I'm the only one of the nakama you left off that list?_

_**Ichigo** _ _: Sorry, guy, but palling around with Juha Bach puts a little tarnish on your halo. I mean, getting named heir to the Evil Quincy Empire? (shakes head slowly) You're my friend and I trust you, but isn't that taking it a little too far?_

_**Uryuu** _ _: How do you know I'm not just playing along in order to betray him in the end?_

_**Gin** _ _(popping up): Yep! That'd make 'im a good guy fer sure!_

_**Uryuu** _ _(looking down his nose at Gin): There's a tremendous difference between us. You killed from the beginning, just to get close to a villain. That's not what a good guy does in my book._

_**Ichigo** _ _: Riiight, Ishida. We don't even know if you're going to start doing something like that. So until the final Word of God comes through, we're hedging our bets and leaving you off the good guy list._

_**Aizen** _ _(smoothly): Did I hear my name? The story's not over yet. For all you know, there could be a reason behind everything I did._

_**Ichigo** _ _(facepalms): I can't believe the Big Bad of Bleach is actually here wondering why he's not on a good guy list! Seriously? The mass murder of Central 46 surely put you beyond the Moral Event Horizon, even if arranging for Momo to get stabbed twice didn't._

_**Aizen** _ _: Rukia stabbed **you** twice._

_**Ichigo** _ _(yells): That's completely different! She was giving me my powers!_

_**Aizen** _ _: How do you know what I was or wasn't… (pauses delicately)…_ _**giving** _ _Momo? (smirks) We all know about the Freudian meaning of being stabbed by a sword._

_**Mayuri** _ _(popping up): Why am I not on that list? I just saved the world from being destroyed from imbalance, and I'm one of the leaders of the good side!_

_**Ichigo** _ _: What? The genocidal mad scientist captain is here now? (long-suffering sigh) …I give up. I think we're being written by a fanfic author who's gone so far into Jerkass Dissonance she doesn't even know where to find her own ass. (walks off stage)_


	51. "Bad Dads" Isshin and Ryuuken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

**How come I'm always used for comic relief in your stories?** _**(indignant)** _ **Can't you write romantic things now that I said all that stuff about being in Masaki's orbit? I mean, we're one of Bleach's few canon couples! And Masaki's cute, isn't she? (** _**leers** _ **) And I'm not a bad father! I don't punch my son** _**every** _ **morning. Besides, I'm better than** _**him** _ **! (** _**points at Ryuuken sitting behind his desk in his hospital office** _ **) He's abusive to his son, and besides, he smokes.**

Abusive? ( _Ryuuken_   _blows out cloud of smoke)_  You're the abusive one around here. You give new meaning to the term 'bad dad.' Lying to your son about being a shinigami for sixteen years? Not to mention not even telling him about his Quincy blood.

**You just don't like it that your son's in the rebellious stage. (** _**kisses photo of Karin and Yuzu** _ **) Mine are still sweet as sugar. (** _**smacks lips loudly** _ **)**

Not to mention, you're lazy and don't work very hard.

**That's not true! I'm a hard-working doctor!**

I've only seen you with a patient once in the main story. Didn't Kubo plan on making your character a mortician at first?

**That's just because I look good in black! (** _**poses** _ **) I'm a super good dad! I run family meetings and everything. (** _**glares as Ryuuken rolls eyes** _ **) Hey, I appointed Yuzu lunch director so she would feel like a valued family staff member! And I even try to cheer them up during sad times, like with my "Special Daddy Sliding Technique."**

( _Ryuuken_   _crosses arms and snorts_ ) Yes, you pervert, you snuck a look at your own daughter's underwear.

**It's not my fault those polka dots were so bright!**

( _Ryuuken_   _sniffs_ ) We Quincy are always tastefully dressed.

**I thought you'd given up being a Quincy. (** _**Looks around at all the Quincy crosses on Ryuuken's tie and in his office.** _ **) But I guess you're still relying on other people, even your own son.**

_(Ryuuken stands up and draws Quincy bow, aims at Isshin and just barely misses_ )

_**(Isshin jumps up, startled, and dodges. In flustered tone** _ **) What did you do that for?**

_(Ryuuken shrugs coolly.)_  My finger slipped.

**Sincerely,**

**Isshin Kurosaki and** Ryuuken Ishida

XxXxXxX

_**Gin** _ _: Haha, you two really are bad dads! (laughs)_

_**Isshin** _ _: You should talk! You're the epitome of bad dad in so many fanfics on this site. At least five that I've seen._

_**Gin** _ _: Meh? I don't even have any offspring._

_**Ryuuken** _ _: How do we know?_

_**Gin** _ _: Wha…?_

_**Isshin** _ _: Yeah, with the help of Kyouka Suigetsu you could easily have had a child and hid it from everyone._

_**Gin** _ _: I think Ran-chan would've noticed._

_**Isshin** _ _: Yeah, when her boobs got bigger. (smirks) At least that's what the fanfic said._

_**Gin** _ _(defensive): I jus' said that to make her happy!_

_**Ryuuken** _ _(challenging): So you admit you got her pregnant!_

_**Gin** _ _(looks around nervously): I ain't gonna admit nothin'!_

XxXxXxX

**A/N:**  Virtual cookies to those of you who can identify the omake episodes, chapters, and other material referenced in this chapter. ;)


	52. Shinigami Women's Association 5 – Official Fanfiction University of Bleach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach or _The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth_ by misscam.

**Shinigami Women's Association 5 – Official Fanfiction University of Bleach**

**A/N:**  We interrupt our regularly scheduled series with another special letter from the Shinigami Women's Association.

This chapter is inspired by the story  _The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth,_  by  **misscam** _._ All credit for the idea, some of the plot, and occasional quotes goes to her.

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

_We at the Shinigami Women's Association have been shocked and dismayed at the pathetically low quality of the fanfics we've been reading lately, and insulted by your ignorance of the Bleach universe. As a result, we have settled upon involuntary enrollment in the Official Fanfiction University of Bleach for the worst offenders._   _So if you happen to be someone who has written fanfiction that features bad clichés, out-of-character atrocities, or slanderous sexual innuendo, prepare to find yourself involuntarily transported here to the barracks at the Seireitei this semester. Here's a slice-of-life example of what to expect at the University, told in the first person for immediacy. Classes start in one week._

**The Official Fanfiction University of Bleach –** **Chapter 1**

I sit bolt upright in bed, looking around in shock. This isn't my room at home. It isn't pink, and there are no posters of Toshiro on the walls. What could have happened to me? Where have I been transported overnight?

Across the room, a pudgy girl with mousy brown hair lies curled up on an identical bed. I've never seen her before in my life.

A ferociously loud klaxon begins blaring, and both the other girl and I shriek and stick our fingers in our ears. A voice like a drill sergeant begins bellowing, "Everyone up and in the halls! Now! Get your lazy asses up or suffer the consequences."

I follow the horde of confused looking girls to the large room at the end of the hallway. A stern black-haired young woman with wire-rimmed glasses and a clipboard is standing on a podium at the front. "All right now, settle down!" she shouts.

"Nanao?" whispers my roommate in an awed voice. I give the woman another glance. Sure enough, she looks exactly like Nanao Ise from the Bleach anime. I'm a little vague on what she does, since I've only watched the episodes that featured Toshiro.

"You're probably all wondering why you're here. Well, it's because of your atrocious Bleach fanfic writing. This is the Official Fanfiction University of Bleach, and we're here to knock some sense into you. If you'll turn to the course schedules that my colleague is handing out, you'll see the classes to which you've been assigned." A folded paper is shoved into my hand by a tiny pink-haired girl who grins at me then bounces off.

I open it nervously. It's sticky and covered with what looks like lollipop drool. Inside I read:

"Respect for Superiors 101. Lecturers: Toshiro Hitsugaya and Byakuya Kuchiki." I stare at the paper in shock and dawning excitement. "Male Bonding 101. Lecturers: Grimmjow Jaegerjaques and Ichigo Kurosaki."

I feel dizzy. This can't be happening, can it? On the other hand... what could possibly be better than Toshiro as a lecturer? I immediately start plotting how I'll sit in the front row and how I'll catch his attention.

I read on. "Platonic Love 101. Lecturers: Shunsui Kyōraku and Jūshirō Ukitake. Evil 101. Juha Bach." I frown. Isn't Aizen supposed to be the Big Bad of Bleach? Who's this Bach guy? What does he know about evil? I shrug. Toshiro hasn't been appearing in the manga lately, so I haven't been keeping up with the latest arc.

There's a stir in the hall and I look up. Nanao's come to the end of her speech and is introducing the next lecturer. He's kind of short, so all I can see is a head of spiky white hair.

Then the cry goes up. "Toshiro!"

An all-too-familiar angry voice rings out. "It's Captain Hitsugaya!"

And then hundreds of girls rush forward and storm the podium.

**Sincerely,**

**The Shinigami Women's Association**

_P.S. If there is interest in this prepublication copy of_ _**The Official Fanfiction University of Bleach** _ _, please send a check to the Shinigami Women's Association, care of the Gotei 13 in Seireitei. Chapter 2 will be released upon request._


	53. Yumichika Ayasegawa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

It's utterly ridiculous and pathetic how I'm portrayed in your stories. It's quite clear you don't understand me at all. I may be beautiful, but I am above all else a powerful member of the Eleventh Division. Remember, I only took fifth seat instead of fourth because the kanji was more beautiful. Why you portray me as a sissy weakling who needs to be protected is absurd. Strength is beauty, after all.

I'm also fed up with your pairing me with so many ugly people. Truly, do you think I would accept a romantic partner who is anything less than beautiful? Ugly people are so forgettable, anyway. Now let me see… I shall instruct you in the acceptable characteristics any lover of mine would have to have. First, they should have glossy, well-kept hair and skin. Oh, and long, lush eyelashes are a necessity. The eyes are the first things one notices on a person, so they should be striking.

_(Ikkaku walks by and Yumichika notices his own reflection on his friend's gleaming bald head.)_  Ah! There it is! Perfection! Now that is more like it, a true vision of beauty.  _(Gazes in rapture at his own image)_  Why do you not pair me up with someone like that?

_(Ichigo walks by and mutters something about Narcissus. Yumichika ignores him.)_

I'm quite certain that you "authors" are all hideously ugly. That is the only explanation for your trying to demean me. Ugly people are always jealous of the beautiful ones.  _(sighs)_  I suppose it's inevitable. Therefore, I will make sure to visit each and every one of you and give you a clean, pretty death to compensate.  _(Smiles sweetly)_

Not even one of you wrote me eating rice balls. There's something off about that.

**Sincerely,**

**Yumichika Ayasegawa**

XxXxXxX

_**Charlotte** _ _: Why didn't you mention me in your letter?_

_**Yumichika** _ _: (sniffs) I'm not even going to dignify that with a response._

_**Charlotte** _ _: (taunting) I'll tell them all about your kidou-based zanpakutou!_

_**Yumichika**_ _: …_   _Only the ugly stoop to blackmail._


	54. Official Fanfiction University of Bleach 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

_We are pleased by the favorable response from all of you. On with the story of what you "authors" might expect here at the University._   _If you avoided being killed by Yumichika, that is. Story will be told in the first person so you can feel what the experience might be like._

**The Official Fanfiction University of Bleach –** **Chapter 2**

"Ow," I groan. My body seems to hurt all over, as though every square inch of skin has been beaten by a hammer. I open my eyes.

"You too, huh?" says a sympathetic voice. A face comes into view. It's the brown-haired girl from yesterday. "I'm Megan. We're roommates. You passed out last night, after Aizen..."

"Oh," I moan again, remembering. Everyone had been stampeding toward Toshiro, when Aizen had appeared and... Well, now I know why everybody in the manga cowers and sweats when Aizen raises his spiritual pressure. It's damn painful. It feels like every cell of my body has been bruised, including in areas I've never thought about.

I sit up stiffly and look around the room. It appears just like an ordinary college dorm room, including two desks that are stacked with books. Large, heavy books. "They seriously don't expect us to read all those, do they?" I ask in a bit of a panic. "I mean, we're manga fanfic writers, so reading a comic is kind of at the limit for us, isn't it?"

Megan sighs. "Um, well. These are actually just for Mayuri's class, Science in the Bleach Universe 101." She lowers her voice. "Be glad we don't have to take his lab class, section 102. That's not till next semester. Supposedly, class members are required to volunteer for experiments."

I shudder, not sure which would be more terrifying, participating in his lab or reading all those books.

There's a loud rapping on the door. "Assembly time in five minutes! Don't be late or you'll be assigned detention in the Maggot's Nest!"

My roommate and I shiver in unison and run for the door.

In the main hall, a handful of men and women in black and white shinigami robes are standing at the front. My eye runs over them. A scowling orange-haired young man with a huge sword strapped to his back is glaring at a gaggle of girls inching in his direction. A busty strawberry blonde is arguing with Nanao while a tiny, black-haired young woman frowns. An ancient man with a long beard is shuffling papers at the podium. I begin to get a little excited. Here are all the Bleach characters I know and love, in the flesh. I might even get to interact… personally with some of them. Over on the other side of the room, a head of bright blue hair catches my eye. It's Grimmjow, who's picking his nails with a dagger and looking bored. This actually could be kind of fun, I think, shifting position so I'm not putting weight on a particularly painful bruise on my left heel. I notice quite a few fangirls besides me eying Grimmjow, but nobody makes a move toward him. I catch a few nervous glances to one side, where Aizen is standing in his white captain's haori, looking serene and peaceful behind his glasses.

Yamamoto thumps his staff and steps forward, glaring at the room. "All right, everybody. Now, the assembly ended rather abruptly yesterday, but perhaps everyone now is quite clear on what we shall not do?"

"We shall not stampede the staff," answer hundreds of feminine voices.

"Good. This is your orientation week. Classes begin next Monday. In the meantime, you're free to move about the barracks and explore the University. However, the staff section is strictly off-limits to anyone but the staff."

I groan in disappointment as my plan to ask Toshiro for advice before his class begins appears to be stymied, only to hear it echoed around the large hall.

"Tomorrow night there will be a party in this hall. The staff will attend." Megan elbows me in the ribs and waggles her eyebrows, glancing at Toshiro. I try to ignore her. "For entertainment..." Yamamoto shuffles a few more papers. "The Shinigami Women's Association is planning a fashion show. The models will be…" He raises his eyebrows. "Well. I will have to speak to them about those plans." He lifts a piece of paper. "However, I'm told to inform you the evening will be... most exquisite." He glares at the gathered audience. "Now, make sure to behave yourselves. Dismissed."

**Sincerely,**

**The Shinigami Women's Association**

_**Toshiro** _ _: How did that bastard Aizen get out of jail?_

_**Nanao** _ _: He was such a popular lecturer that the captain-commander gave him a special pardon just for this semester._

_**Toshiro** _ _: That's not going to stop me from violently destroying him!_

_**Nanao** _ _: Hey, he did prevent you from being trampled by fangirls._

_**Toshiro** _ _: … good point._


	55. Ikkaku Madarame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Bunch o' idiots wasting their time on stories about  _relationships_. The most annoying part of your crappy site is that you can't search for stories that have a lot of fighting. Instead it's all about "character filters" and shit. There isn't even an "Action" genre.

Pathetic!

Not to mention that for some reason most of the stories about me claim I'm gay. WTF?! Yumichika and I are  _friends_ , goddamn it!

I was gonna just ignore it, but then I saw that a few of you described me as "bald."  _(Starts to get mad.)_

Idiots!  _(Raises voice and brandishes zanpakutou.)_  How many times do I have to pound it into you punks' heads that it's  _shaven,_ not bald! I'm gonna chop you all in half and then rip up your damned computers!

_(Rangiku shouts from offstage) I told you to stop making scenes, Baldy!_

What's your problem, Matsumoto? Shut up and get the hell out of my letter!

_Be quiet. Or do you want me to tell Yachiru?_

_(Begins to sweat)_  No…don't do that! I mean… ( _gulps_ ) I'm sorry!

_(Takes a deep breath.)_

( _Growls_ ) I guess you babbling human "authors" are lucky today. I'll just do my Tsuki-Tsuki dance to give you all time to run away.

**Sincerely,**

**Ikkaku Madarame**

XxXxXxX

_**Yumichika** _ _: Why didn't you mention something about my beauty in your letter?_

_**Ikkaku** _ _: Gimme a break! (Continues dancing) I was just trying to get them all to think about something_ _**other** _ _than gay relationships, like good healthy fighting, and then you go on with all that wimpy stuff about beauty!_

_**Yumichika**_ _: Well, I always mention that you're the second_   _strongest man in the entire 11th Division, so it's only fair that you say I'm the most beautiful. Aren't we trying to teach these fanfiction writers something useful?_

_**Ikkaku** _ _: Not really. (Shrugs) Hah! You fanfiction writers are gonna be in trouble soon. Wait till you meet our captain. When he or his lieutenant see what you've been writing about the 11_ _th_ _Division, you're in for it._


	56. Official Fanfiction University of Bleach 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach or _The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth_ by **misscam**.

 

**A/N:**  We interrupt our regularly scheduled series with another special letter from the Shinigami Women's Association.

This chapter is inspired by the story  _The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth_ , by  **misscam**. All credit for the idea, some of the plot, and occasional quotes goes to her.

XxXxXxX

 

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

_Back by popular demand!_

**The Official Fanfiction University of Bleach –** **Chapter 3**

Everyone's excited about the party. Girls are putting on makeup and discussing how to accessorize their shinigami uniforms to best catch the eye of Toshiro, Ichigo, or Grimmjow.

My roommate and I are getting ready as well.

Megan says, "Did you notice that everyone is already forming themselves into cliques based on their favorite characters?"

I nod and lower my voice. "I heard that a group of IchiRuki fans got into a fight with some IchiHime fans last night and they all ended up in the hospital in Squad 4."

Megan shrugs. "The only person I would ship with Ichigo is me. Although he's still not as cute as Toshiro." She looks around nervously. "You gotta be careful around here." She points at her black eye. "An Ichigo fangirl punched me yesterday when I said that Toshiro was cuter." I shake my head in sympathy.

Then she asks me, "So what's your plan to get Toshiro's attention at the party tonight?"

I grin but say nothing. I do have a secret plan, but I'm certainly not giving it away to anyone.

"I'm thinking about making an ice sculpture," Megan continues.

I look at her in disbelief. Where's she even going to get any ice?

Another girl pokes her head into our room. "Amber saw Toshiro in the hall – he must've decided to come early!"

Megan and I stare each other for a moment, then we both knock over our chairs in our hurry to run out into the hall.

But when we get there, there are already about a hundred girls circling Toshiro. I sigh in disappointment, but then I notice that none of them are getting too close. To one side of the room, Aizen is sitting in a huge high-backed armchair. Flanking him on either side are Tousen and Gin. A large group of girls are staring wistfully at Gin. I shiver a little. I never understood why anyone would like that creepy guy. I notice that no one is mooning over Tousen.

I scan the room until I spot my secret weapon – Momo. The dark-haired lieutenant is ladling out punch from a large bowl. I sidle up to her. I remember from an anime episode that Momo and Toshiro are childhood friends. I figure that if I hang out with Momo, sooner or later she'll introduce me to Toshiro.

"So, uh, how are you feeling?" I wish desperately I had read the character book page on Momo and knew more about her, but alas, I only read Toshiro's page. Well, and Ichigo's. But I know that Momo was in the hospital for a long time, so maybe I can gain some points with sympathy.

Momo gives me a good, long stare.

"I know what you want. You fangirls all think I'm stupid because of my admiration for Captain Aizen. What makes you think I'm going to introduce you to Toshiro?"

I hang my head as I shuffle away. It had been such a brilliant plan! What could possibly have gone wrong?

Music begins to fill the hall and I notice Rangiku dancing with Toshiro, having rescued him from the crowd. A few of the male students are glaring at them. I stare moodily into my punch. That's not how it's supposed to be. He was supposed to notice  **me**. I have to think of a new plan. Maybe I could change my name to Karin?

Just then I hear a fanfare. The fashion show is starting. I elbow my way to the front of the room, having heard that the models are mostly going to be male. If Toshiro won't notice me, maybe seeing him half-naked will be some compensation.

The curtain lifts and the first model struts onto the stage. My jaw drops.

**Sincerely,**

**The Shinigami Women's Association**

_**Nanao**_ _: How's that for a cliffhanger? (looks pleased) Just call it a free lesson in dramatic timing, courtesy of the_   _Shinigami Women's Association._

_**Gin** _ _: Hey. Why'd ya make Rangiku dance with that kid?_

_**Nanao** _ _: (shrugs) He is her captain, after all. It's just a dance._

_**Gin** _ _: Huh. (fingers Shinsou) And I got a problem with yer main character. Only Kubo's s'posed to think I'm creepy! (pouts)_

_**Nanao** _ _: (looking exasperated) Ichimaru, the SWA made up her character. She's not real. Besides, why should you care what some random fangirl thinks?_

_**Gin** _ _: (shrugs) I dunno. I think she's kinda cute, in a clueless way. I like "Megan" too. They're just the sort of people I like to mess with. (Pauses.) Ah! Heh heh heh! (Gets devilish gleam in his eye and runs off.) Bye bye!_

_**Nanao** _ _: (pinching the bridge of her nose and sighing) Ichimaru, they're the fangirls, not you. (Shakes head.)_

_(Calls after him) Remember not to disgrace the University, Ichimaru!_


	57. Kon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Heyyy! I checked out the 136 stories about me on your site, and actually, you guys aren't so bad when you feature me in your stories. At least you don't tie me to a toilet or use me as a crash test dummy or kick me around like a ball, like a certain sadistic mangaka we won't mention. Although… it's disgusting that you pair me with guys ten times as often as with women. I'm straight, you morons! Isn't that obvious from the manga?

How about some quality time with some extra-large...puffy wuffy...booby woobies  _(lecherous grin_ )?

Annnnnd… Speaking of extra-large, you keep asking for suggestions, so I'll volunteer to help. How about another letter from Orihime? ( _leers_ ) Maybe even one from both of us where I'm exploring her Valley of the Gods? Although, I'd take even her "Lunch Eating Pose."  _(licks lips)_  So tasty.

_(Chizuru pops in) –Yeah! Remember that lunchtime in chapter 14 when she was eating a whole loaf of bread and smiling with crumbs on her mouth? (sighs) A normal person can't replicate this cuteness._

Hey! What are you doing in my letter? Although you're giving me ideas about eating… and licking…  _(leers)_

But remember, I'm more than just a perv.  _(strikes a solemn pose)_  I'm Kubo's spokesman for the sanctity of all life. And you know what? I bet he has more in store for me in the upcoming chapters. Did you notice my new form?  _(waggles eyebrows)_ I'm gonna be more than just an airbag soon!

**Sincerely,**

**Kai (the**   **King of New York)**

XxXxXxX

_**Ichigo** _ _: How did you manage to hitchhike in my shihakusho to the Royal Realm?_

_**Kon:** _ _I heard there were a lot of ladies at Nimaiya's palace!_

_**Ichigo:** _ _… That's not an answer to my question! (looks suspicious) And it was strange that you were next seen eating at Kirio's Diner with Renji and me. I didn't know stuffed animals could eat. What's going on here?_

_**Kon** _ _: You wouldn't believe what I can… eat! (leers suggestively)_

_**Ichigo:** _ _(grimaces) I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that._

_**Yuzu** _ _: (wanders in, calling) Bostov! Have you seen Bostov, Ichi-nii?_

_Kon runs away._


	58. Official Fanfiction University of Bleach 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach or _The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth_ by misscam.
> 
> This chapter is inspired by the story _The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth_ , by misscam. All credit for the idea, some of the plot, and occasional quotes goes to her.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

_At last… time for the fashion show!_

**The Official Fanfiction University of Bleach –** **Chapter 4**

The first model comes prancing out onto the stage. I gasp and shudder in horror.

It's Charlotte Cuuhlhourne, wearing only a skimpy white top and ruffled pink miniskirt. His muscles are oiled so they bulge and gleam in the stage lights. He seems very pleased with himself. The music starts – it's a heavy bump-and-grind number with a pulsating bass. Charlotte flounces to the center of the stage, pink high heels tapping to the driving beat.

Then he turns his back to the audience and begins twerking.

The ruffles of his pink skirt bounce in time to the music, and, because I'm standing so close to the stage, I can see all the hairs on his legs doing the same.

I cover my eyes to keep from going blind. I hear thuds from around the room, including from backstage, as people pass out.

Charlotte shouts something about being the most beautiful being in creation, but then I hear an enraged shriek. I peek out between my fingers.

Across the stage is another figure wearing what appears to be a feather boa and not much else, glaring furiously from under feathery eyebrows. It's Yumichika, and he's released his zanpakutou.

"You are an affront to anyone with a sense of aesthetics!" he sneers.

Charlotte glowers at him. "How dare you interrupt the exquisite display of this stunning body?" He begins to power up a Cero.

"Hold!" shouts Yamamoto, thumping his staff. "It is unseemly and not beneficial to the University reputation for lecturers to brawl in front of students."

The music stops with a loud squeal. Charlotte and Yumichika stare defiantly at each other for a stretched-out moment, posing as though to display their beauty to best advantage to the crowd. But then, after a few quick glances at Yamamoto's mounting fury, they turn away and strut backstage in opposite directions.

Nanao jumps up on stage, her face pale and shaken. "I regret to inform you that the rest of the fashion show is canceled due to the withdrawal or unconsciousness of the remainder of the participants." Everybody – that is, everybody in the audience who is still conscious – groans, their hopes to see a half-naked Ichigo, Toshiro, or Grimmjow dashed.

I go to get another cup of punch. The line has gotten really long, and peering around all the drooling fangirls, I see a scowling face underneath orange hair at the serving station. Ichigo! I perk up right away. Maybe I can find a way to "accidentally" brush his hand when he serves me a cup.

But when I get to the front of the line, someone else is serving out punch. I'm not sure if it's a girl or a boy. It has chin-length, curly black hair and pale violet eyes, and a really creepy smile.

Megan, right behind me in line, makes a sound of disgust. "Luppi!" she hisses in my ear. "What's that freaky pervert doing here?"

Something that feels like a tentacle caresses my hand, and I jerk back in revulsion. I gulp down my punch in one draught and head back to the dance floor.

The noise and hormone levels have risen, and I hear lots of girlish shrieks and giggles. I spot what looks like Ichigo in a dim corner, all alone, and decide I should go check him out. Someone puts another cup of punch in my hand and I down it. Right after that, the room starts to spin.

**Sincerely,**

**The Shinigami Women's Association**

_**Nanao** _ _: (hands on hips) All right, who hacked the fashion show schedule? Those two weren't even supposed to be on until the end._

_**Gin** _ _: I bet it was Tousen! I saw him sneakin' around backstage before the show._

_**Nanao** _ _: (glares suspiciously) Why would a blind man care about a fashion show?_

_**Gin** _ _: (elaborate shrug) I dunno. Mebbe he thought it was unjust or somethin'._


	59. Kenpachi and Yachiru

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Ken-chan is busy fighting so he said I could write the letter! Yay! So let's see… first, I'll assign the job of cleaning up these fanfiction websites to Maki-chan and Mustache-guy. Get to work!  _(They scuttle away.)_

Then I wanna start by saying you fanfiction authors have the eleventh division all wrong. You always write us as a bunch of boneheaded idiots who live for violence. But we're not so dumb! You should listen to us more. Remember, the very first time you saw Kenny he pointed out there was something off about Squinty-chan and Blind-guy – they were the only captains who were scared of death. So he knew right away something was going on with those two.

Then remember who helped Jiggles and Pencil-guy when they first invaded! We knew they were the good guys right away!

Of course, you could say we were just looking for some nice bloody fights.  _(grins)_

So, I guess you're half wrong.

…

Anyway, Kenny is very upset that so many of your stories have him doing stuff he shouldn't to Ichigo.  _(giggles)_  An' ya know what happens when Ken-chan's upset!

_**[This fanfiction website regrets to announce that our site will be down for the foreseeable future, as our server farm has turned into a smoking hole in the ground for some reason.]** _

In the meantime, why don't you come visit the eleventh division so you can see what we're really like. I'll give you a tour.

**Sincerely,**

**Kenpachi Zaraki and Yachiru Kusajishi**

XxXxXxX

_**Ikkaku:**  Don't follow her, she'll get you lost._

_**Orihime: (pops up** ) Don't worry, I'll help!_

**_Ikkaku facepalms._ **

_**Kenpachi: (shows up at the barracks door with his zanpakutou over his shoulders, looking disgusted)**  Che! Those "authors" couldn't even put up a decent fight. That "pen is mightier than the sword" crap is bullshit._

_**Yachiru: (bounces over to him)**  But hey, Kenny, look what we did!  **(shows him the letter)**_

**_(Kenpachi shrugs and scratches his ribs, bored.)_ **

_**Orihime** : How come Kenpachi didn't write any of his letter himself?_

_**Yachiru** :  **(sternly)**  I told you! He's too busy doing important things like fighting to waste time writing._

_**Orihime:**  I think he should write a second letter then!_

_**Kenpachi:**   **(shrugs)**  Fine. After I get a good fight!_

_**Orihime** : Kurosaki-kun!_

_**Ichigo** _ _**: (appearing)**  Huh?  **(sees Kenpachi)**  Hey. There's one thing I've been wanting to know. What happened to your bells after the timeskip?_

_**Kenpachi** _ _: **(eyes light up as he raises his zanpakutou)**  A real opponent at last!_

_**Uryuu** _ _: Hey! **(waves hand in front of Kenpachi's face. Kenpachi ignores him.)**  Why am I "Pencil-guy"? I'm the heir apparent to the Quincy Empire! You should fight me! My nickname should be "Nemesis."_

_**Kenpachi** _ _and_ _**Ichigo** _ _: **(in disbelief)**  "Nemesis"?_

_**Orihime** _ _: Hey everyone! I've got something more important than fighting… candy!_

**_(Yachiru chases after Orihime as Kenpachi and Ichigo demolish the barracks.)_ **


	60. Official Fanfiction University of Bleach 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach or The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth by misscam.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

_We at the Shinigami Women's Association are quite delighted by the favorable response to our new fundraiser. With the proceeds, we've been able to buy lots of things vital to the functioning of the Gotei 13 like important supplies… er, candy._

**The Official Fanfiction University of Bleach –** **Chapter 5**

I groan weakly. I'm lying in my bed again, a ferocious headache splitting my skull.

Megan leans over to hand me an ice pack. She's got another pressed to her head. "I bet you're really hung over, too."

"What?" I moan. "I didn't even touch the sake."

Megan scowls. "Somebody spiked the punch," she explains. "I think it was that creep Luppi. He had me and another girl in one of the dark corners and was feeling us up with his tentacles."

"Ugh!" I wrinkle my nose in disgust.

"Hey, don't be so judgmental," she shoots back. "They found you in a corner with your lips pressed to Aaroniero's fishbowl thing." She giggles. "Seems you thought he was Ichigo."

"Auuggh!" I moan in embarrassment and fall back on the pillows, hiding under the ice pack. This is so not a good day.

"Yamamoto shut down the party and sent everybody home." She eyes me in speculation. "Everybody's jealous of you, by the way."

"Huh? Me?" I press both hands to my temples and groan again. "Whatever for?"

"Toshiro rescued you from Aaroniero and brought you back to our room. Don't you remember being carried in his arms?"

"Nooooo," I moan. Toshiro carried me in his arms? My fantasy came true and I don't even remember it? Life is so unfair. Why doesn't it turn out the way it does in my stories, where I always end up with Toshiro by the first or second chapter?

"One of the other girls was carried away by Ichigo, and she found an orange hair underneath her fingernails in the morning," Megan whispers. "Did you find anything?"

I whip out my hands and squint at them. There's something thin and white stuck to one finger, but it looks more like a piece of lint rather than one of Toshiro's hairs. I sigh. "Just some lint."

Megan's eyes widen. "Lint from Toshiro's uniform!" she murmurs, awestruck.

I stare at the tiny thread with a new light in my eyes. I carefully unwind it and put it in the locket hanging around my neck. "I'm sleeping with this under my pillow," I promise.

Just then a horrifically loud klaxon begins blaring through the halls. I shriek and clasp my hands over my ears.

"It's the fire alarm!" screeches Megan. "Run for the exit!" She bolts for the door, and I follow, ignoring my splitting head.

Everyone else is also in the halls, but at the emergency exit stands a huge man with a stern face, long black hair and mustache. He has a triumphant scowl on his face.

"Juha Bach," whispers Megan in terror.

"Ah, students for Evil 101," says Bach. "Class begins in five minutes in lecture hall 999. If you are not there on time, you will fail the class. Need I note that failure implies that you will meet Luders Friegen's fate?"

The students gulp. I whisper frantically to Megan, "What happened to Luders Friegen?"

Megan stares at me, her eyes wide with horror. "He was Bach's subordinate in the current arc. Bach cut off his arm, then killed him when he didn't answer his question correctly."

I swallow nervously.

Another girl timidly raises her hand. "Uh, sir, I thought classes didn't begin until next week."

Bach stares at her. "Beginning class now... well, that would be evil, wouldn't it." He turns around, his black cape swirling dramatically around him. "I suggest you move. Now."

Somehow the rest of the girls and I manage to make it to the right lecture hall on time. Everyone is gasping and sweating.

Bach mounts the podium, his jackboots making the room tremble. He pauses to give all of us a long, cold glower. His lip curls in a slight sneer. "Let's begin." He raises his voice so that it echoes thunderously through the room. "How many of you here consider yourselves evil?"

I glance around. Quite a few hands are raised. I look at Megan, who shrugs. "Yeah, didn't you know there are a lot of insane Bleach fangirls who like the villains?" she whispers. "Personally, I don't care because I figure that's fewer for Toshiro."

Bach is continuing. "You wretched humans!" he bellows. "You think it's as easy as that? That you can just declare yourself to be a villain, and you will be evil? You there!" He points to a thin girl with wispy blonde hair who raised her hand. "You think you're evil? What's your name?"

"S-Sari," she mumbles.

"Sari?" he sneers. "You expect people to believe you are evil with a name like that? At least add some gutturals to it or make it sound more Nazi. Your name should strike fear into your enemies... and your subordinates. And it's even better if no one really knows how to spell it." He leans forward on the podium and sweeps his glance over the room.

"Now let's talk about actions. You!" He shouts again at the blonde girl. "Have you ever forced your subordinates to kneel before you, and then cut off their limbs? Have you ever massacred an entire city? Have you ever killed your own descendants to sustain your life?"

The girl shrinks into herself. "Uhh, no."

"Then don't talk to me about evil." He shakes his head ponderously. "The standards they set for evil today... In my day, evil meant something. You are a pathetic excuse for a villain."

The girl looks down.

"When I'm done with you, you will know how to whip an entire population into a mass-murdering frenzy and how to make the whole world cower in terror." He looks down at his notes. "Nanao has insisted I clarify that what you learn in this class will be used in your writing only, and not in real life," he adds rather sourly.

There is a knock at the door and Uryuu Ishida appears and whispers in his ear. Several fangirls stir in interest. Bach listens for a moment, then both of them stride out without a word.

A few minutes later a tall, brown-haired man in a captain's haori enters the classroom, trailed by a silver-haired man with slitted eyes and a wide grin. "Professor Bach seems to have had an emergency back home." The man smiles calmly. "I will be taking over this class for the rest of the semester. My name is Sousuke Aizen, and this is my teaching assistant, Gin Ichimaru."

The blonde girl faints.

**Sincerely,**

**The Shinigami Women's Association**

XxXxXxX

_**Gin** _ _: (grins) I tol' ya to be more concerned about whoever spiked the punch than this 'hacking'. Someone could've gotten hurt. (Looks pious.)_

_**Nanao** _ _: (glares at him)_

_**Gin** _ _: So… who did spike the punch?_

_**Mayuri** _ _: It was merely a small experiment for the benefit of Science. How do fangirls react under the appropriate stimuli. (Stares off into space.) Hmmm. The results are… inconclusive._

_**Ichigo** _ _: (with a suspicious scowl) I wonder why Bach had such a convenient 'emergency'?_

_**Nanao** _ _: He got an email from the Quincy headquarters._

_**Gin** _ _: (whistling, hands in pockets) Hmmm, I wonder what that email said?_


	61. Shunsui Kyoraku

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Hey, just wanted to make a suggestion, from one romance writer to another, that you pair me up with my little Nanao-chan. Here's a writing tip. First paragraphs should be flashy, with your main character appearing, say, in a cloud of flower petals. Ideally scattered by his love interest.

_(Nanao) I'm your lieutenant, not your love interest._

_(Continues, ignoring the interruption.)_  Of course it would only happen in fantasy. For some reason she thinks I'm a lazy womanizer who drinks too much. _(Sighs)_  I can't imagine why. ( _Strikes a pose._ ) Dearest Nanao-chan, I'm not really a shallow rake. I'm deep!

_(Nanao snorts from offstage.)_

_(Kyoraku looks hurt.)_  I am!  _(Puts hand to heart.)_  Kubo says so. In my backstory, he makes it clear that I never really wanted to be a warrior. I dislike fighting. And I won't take the life of an innocent.

_(Looks off to the side.)_  Isn't that enough for you, dear Nanao? Besides, I'm captain-commander now!  _(Indignantly)_  Isn't the big boss supposed to get all the girls?

_(Catches self, with sidelong glance.)_  Umm, I meant, get the ONE girl who's right for me!

I've certainly dressed the part! Remember, my haori is a fashion statement.

_(Long silence.)_

_(Clears throat.)_ Ahem. On to other matters. As to the most frequent pairings with me on this site…

Jyuushiro and I are just friends. Best friends, people, best friends.  _(Shakes head.)_  It's been that way for hundreds of years, so it's no wonder we're as affectionate as brothers. Neither of us has a gay bone in our bodies. Kubo's very clear about who his gay characters are. He has them chasing after people of the same sex and affecting stereotypical gay mannerisms and attire, like men wearing flowery robes and—

_(Stops abruptly.)_  And Jyuushiro's not that sick!  _(Frowns.)_  I've never understood why all your stories have him coughing blood constantly.

_(Sighs.)_  Oh well. I suppose I should just accept it. My romance novel has never been very popular, after all. I guess it's inevitable that gay fanfictions involving me are more common than pairings with my sweet Nanao-chan.  _(Longer sigh, accompanied by hopeful glance in Nanao's direction.)_

**Sincerely,**

**Shunsui Kyoraku**

**P.S.** Would you like to buy a copy of my novel, "Rose-Colored Path"?

_**Nanao** _ _: No one wants to buy your novel! You've never even gotten a single fan letter!_

_**Kyoraku** _ _: (shrugs) That's never stopped me from trying! I want to encourage fanfiction authors who put so much effort into their stories and never receive a single review. (Looks up at audience.) Take heart, my friends! Your life is worthwhile! Popularity is a mocker! (Sotto voce) Especially if you write stories about me and Nanao-chan getting it on._

_**Nanao:** _ _Shut up, captain._


	62. Official Fanfiction University of Bleach 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach or The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth by misscam.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

_We continue to be pleased by the favorable response from all of you. On with the story of what you "authors" might expect here at the University._

**The Official Fanfiction University of Bleach –** **Chapter 6**

After the blonde girl is revived and given a seat in the front row, Aizen steps up to the podium and continues. "I'm afraid I must disagree with my esteemed colleague." His voice is deep and melodic. "It is a mistake to believe that evil only clothes itself in a repulsive or harsh form. Sometimes the most devastating form of evil is the unexpected, hidden in lies and mirrored by reflections, that slithers into your mind in a way no one could have predicted."

The room is warm, and I feel myself growing sleepy as I listen to the soothing cadences of his voice. I slump lower in my seat.

Someone in the back row blows a raspberry. "Pfff!" they mutter. "As if we don't know that Bach is tromping all over you in the manga while you rot in prison."

A shocked hush blankets the room and the very air feels heavy. I raise my eyes timidly to the podium, terrified at what Aizen might do to us if he gets angry.

But he is only smiling gently, his brown eyes mild behind his glasses. "I see," he says.

"Before we go on, let me show you something." He steps out from behind the lectern and reaches for something belted at his waist.

Megan elbows me hard in the ribs. "Close your eyes!" she hisses, her voice urgent. "He's about to perform his hypnosis ritual. Don't let yourself see his shikai!"

I gulp and close my eyes tightly.

There is nothing but silence in the room for a moment, and I wait as the seconds tick away. Then I can't help myself. I crack one eye open and catch a brief glimpse of something long and glittering in Aizen's hand before I squeeze my eyes shut again.

Heart pounding, I wonder if that single glimpse was enough to put me under. It was only my left eye, anyway.

"Now then." His voice is as calm as though nothing has happened. "Please open your books to page twelve and let's discuss your first homework assignment."

The class lets out a collective groan. Homework even before the term has begun. That is indeed evil.

XxXxXxX

The rest of orientation week goes by all too fast (without even a chance to see Toshiro again) and soon we are plunged into our busy courseloads.

I'm sitting at my desk, doing homework. I sigh. Who would've thought learning how to write fanfiction could be so time-consuming? I'm actually having to read the manga to answer quiz questions.

And Professor Aizen has proven himself to be truly evil with his homework load. We have to write a five-hundred-page essay on how to take over the Soul Society and become God. It's due next week and I haven't even started. I yawn, my jaws cracking, and slouch in my seat.

Megan bursts through the door. "Did you hear? Sari got caught trying to sneak into the staff section with a 'question' for Professor Aizen." She puts air quotes around the word.

I sit up, disgusted. Sari has been making trouble ever since Aizen took over the Evil 101 class, trying to catch his attention. I sniff with a superior air. Why she lowers herself to try to catch that man's eye I'll never know. It's pathetic.

I would never do something like that.

I glance at the clock on the wall. "Oops! Almost time for Toshiro's class!" I rush to put on my makeup and arrange my hair.

Megan and I scramble to get our books and run to the lecture hall. We always try to arrive early to  _Respect for Superiors 101_ , now affectionately nicknamed 'Cherry Blossoms and Ice', so we can get one of the coveted front-row seats. I snag the second-closest seat to the podium. I glare at the skinny girl with long green hair who somehow managed to get the closest seat, probably by staking out the classroom an hour in advance. Pitiful! As if she thinks dying her hair green and wearing weird golden contact lenses like a manga character is going to earn her my Toshiro's attention. She's doodled "Nicole Hitsugaya" all over her notebook. I toss my hair. As if she had a chance.

"Today we're going to talk about the proper use of Japanese honorifics," begins the diminutive captain with a scowl. Byakuya is out on clan business today, so many of the Byakuya fangirls have cut class. All the Toshiro fangirls in the front rows sit poised with our pens quivering, ready to take down every word from our idol's lips.

Ah, Toshiro's lips… I go into a mini-daydream for a few minutes, then realize he's talking again. "You!" He points at me. I sit up straight and blush down to the roots of my hair. Instead of taking notes, I've been doodling pictures of an ice dragon on my notebook. "If you were in my squad, how would you address a superior officer?"

I gape, suddenly tongue-tied as he fixes me with his icy blue eyes. "Uhh, C-Captain Hitsugaya," I stammer, only able to remember that he hates being called Toshiro.

Those expressive white eyebrows lift. "You would call all superior officers in the squad Captain Hitsugaya?" he asks scornfully.

I shrink at my desk, the roaring in my ears drowning out the rest of his comments. I blew it! My one chance to impress my idol, and I sounded like a blithering idiot. I don't even hear Nicole's answer to the question.

Later in my room, I lie on my bed, staring bleakly at the wall. Megan tries to be comforting. "At least he didn't encase you in ice like he did with Nicole when she said he was cute like a puppy." She sits beside me on the bed and hugs me. "I'm sure he didn't really mind."

I turn my head away. I'm sure she doesn't care. It's just less competition for her.

Then I glance at the clock. Uh oh, I'm gonna be late. I grab my notebook for Grimmjow and Ichigo's class.  _Male Bonding 101_  has had a delayed start because the classroom somehow got destroyed during the first week.

As I rush into class, Ichigo scowls at us from the front of the room. I can hear the sighs from all around me.

**Sincerely,**

**The Shinigami Women's Association**

_**Iba** _ _: You in the SWA are sexist! There are male fanfiction authors too, but none of them appear in this 'university'! We men demand equal time!_

_**Nanao** _ _: (glares at him) All right, we had writer's block on the next chapter anyway. We'll allow the SMA to write chapter 7 of OFUB._

_**Iba** _ _: (pumps fist in air) Ha! We win! For great justice!_

_**Nanao** _ _: … what?_

_**Iba** _ _: (goes off, chortling) All your base are belong to us! Hahahahaha!_


	63. Jūshirō Ukitake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

I commend you authors on developing your literary skills through the world of Bleach. You've made an excellent choice, since Kubo's characters are varied and interesting and provide a multitude of qualities and complex ethical dilemmas for you to study and describe. As a fellow author, I'd like to encourage you to continue.  _(Stops to cough)_

However, I must caution you not to stoop to unethical or questionable plot lines or overly graphic scenes. For example, the implication that I give candy to children for nefarious purposes is distressing.

_**Sentaro** _ _: (shouts) Yeah! You idiots should know by now that taichou has the highest moral standards of anyone in Soul Society!_

_**Kiyone** _ _: (puts hands over ears) Stop shouting so loud!_ **I'm** _the one who knows about taichou's high moral standards!_

_**Sentaro** _ _: Shut up! I'm talking here, Booger Face. You know I respect taichou too much to allow all these horrible stories to exist._

_**Kiyone** _ _: That's a cheap shot!_ **I** _respect taichou too much—no, I respect him even more than you, Ape Boy!_

_**Sentaro** _ _: Stop copying me!_

Okay, okay, you two. Let's continue with our main task, writing this letter.

_(Pauses to cough.)_ I see that for some reason all of you love to write me either on death's doorstep or as a malingerer who uses my illness to get out of boring captains' meetings.  _(Chuckles)_  Believe me, if I had coughed up as many liters of blood as I have in your stories, I would've been dead a long time ago.

Additionally, some of your other topics are rather concerning. Perhaps since you fanfic authors are mostly female, you are unaware how upsetting it is to straight males to be written as characters in gay fanfiction. Some sensitivity training might be in order?

Yes, Shunsui and I have a lot in common. We are two of the oldest captains, we trained directly with the Captain-Commander, we have the two longest release commands, and we're best friends. However  _(shakes head ruefully),_  that is no reason to assume Shunsui is anything other than a dear, long-time friend. I would suggest that many of you need to get over your obsession with sex. At least the five hundred of you who chose to write stories of the two of us paired together.  _(Sighs, then begins to cough again.)_

_**Kiyone** _ _: Yeah! Just because taichou is kind and strong and beautiful with all that flowing white hair does not mean he should be the second most popular character to be paired with OC's!_

_**Sentaro** _ _: (glares) Now you're sounding as obsessed as those fanfic authors!_

_**Kiyone** _ _: I'm just stating facts. Everyone knows that taichou's photo collection from the Shinigami Women's Association sold out right away!_

_**Sentaro** _ _: Why are you harping on his 'flowing white hair,' then, stupid? Next thing you'll be saying he's Toshiro's grandfather just like those crazy fangirls._

_(Laughs.)_  Do they really say that?  _(Shakes head.)_ Well, I would at least like to say that the next time you authors feel the need for some writing advice, please feel free to drop by my office. My door is always open.

**Sincerely,**

**Jūshirō Ukitake**

_**Sentaro** _ _: And he's not that sick! Stop writing him as nothing but the stereotype of "the sick captain!"_

_**Kiyone** _ _:_ _**I** _ _said he's not that sick!_

_(Ukitake goes into coughing fit.)_

_**Sentaro** _ _: Taichou! You shouldn't have been working so hard on this letter! Do you need anything?_

_**Kiyone** _ _: Let me get you a blanket, taichou! Would you like some chamomile tea for your throat?_

_(Ukitake waves them away, still coughing.)_

_**Gin:** _ _Isn't it interestin' how this letter does exactly the thing Ukitake-taichou says not to? (Shakes head.) Poor guy can't get no respect. First Aizen-taichou betrays his friendship, then all of these fanfic writers abuse him. (Grins.) Guess it pays ta be creepy around here._


	64. Shinigami Men's Association 2 – OFUB 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach or The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth by misscam.
> 
> **Note:** It's only fair to give equal time to the male fanfic writers in OFUB. :)

 

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors** ,

We in the SMA are tired of the SWA thinking they own the Official Fanfiction University of Bleach! We know that guys write fanfics too, despite Bleach's Estrogen Brigade. So we got in on a chapter too. (Listen and learn, SWA gals – this is the way fanfic is SUPPOSED to be written!)

**The Official Fanfiction University of Bleach – Chapter 7**

**By the Shinigami Men's Association**

Standing at the front of the room, Ichigo glares at the students. "This is Male Bonding 101. I'm here to teach you that when two guys are friends, that's all it is. FRIENDSHIP. End of story." He scowls. "Well, why aren't you writing it down?"

The students, male and female, scurry to open their notebooks and write down their teacher's words. One guy raises his hand. "Hey Ichigo! Can I be your apprentice? I'm your biggest fan!"

Another one snorts in disgust and whispers to his friend, " _Real_  guy fans don't like Ichigo. Just another invincible shonen hero, ho hum. We prefer cooler guys like Iba."

Ichigo glares at all the students equally. "Shut up! We're talking about—"

Suddenly, there is a loud blast as part of the wall next to the door is shattered by a ferocious blow from outside. Amidst the dust and rubble, a figure steps into the classroom, hands nonchalantly in his pockets. As the dust clears, the students make out the spiky blue hair and white Arrancar uniform of Grimmjow Jaegerjaques.

"WTF?" shouts Ichigo. "Why the hell didn't you use the door, Jaegerjaques? Or didn't you notice I'm teaching a class here?"

Grimmjow strides into the room, his short jacket swinging open, ignoring the group of fangirls in the front row who faint at the glimpse of his bare chest. "Shut the fuck up, Kurosaki. I'm a teacher just as much as you, and what's more, I'm stronger than you."

Ichigo's eyes narrow. "Oh yeah? Let's see you prove it!" He reaches behind him and draws his huge zanpakutou. More fangirls faint, while the guys in the room start climbing into the front row seats to watch the fight. A hulking youth with black hair squeezes into a chair next to a brown-haired student in a button-down shirt and khakis. All the guys are wearing matching, very macho sunglasses.

Grimmjow powers up a Cero. The blue light is blinding as it smashes into Kurosaki's chest point-blank.

The orange-haired youth doesn't even flinch. He lifts his sword and everyone in the room can feel his powerful reiatsu as he lands a ferocious counterattack directly on the Espada's torso. The room shakes and more plaster rains down from the ceiling. Grimmjow staggers but remains on his feet.

Just then the door swings open and Rangiku breezes in, carrying a large stack of papers. She is wearing a very skimpy white bikini that barely covers her nipples, revealing her generous cleavage and her taut, firm belly. "Hey, Ichigo, Grimmjow, I've got the paperwork for your class." She sets the stack of papers on top of the dust- and plaster-covered desk at the front of the room.

Glancing around, she notices the hole in the wall and frowns. "Hey, remember the memo soutaichou sent out: all damages to University property will come out of teachers' paychecks." Both Ichigo and Grimmjow scowl at her.

Then she notices all the fanboys in the class goggling at her and a broad grin spreads across her face. She cups her breasts with her hands and smirks. "Nice outfit, huh?" she comments.

Ichigo glares at her. "Why are you interrupting my class dressed like that?"

She shoots a pointed glance at the rubble-strewn classroom. "It looks more like I'm interrupting a fight. But anyway, all the Bleach gals are having a pool party. Wanna come?" She leers at him and Ichigo turns away with an embarrassed blush.

"Forget it," he snarls and turns back to the class. Rangiku shrugs and exits with a saucy wave. The male students (and a couple of girls) ogle Rangiku's well-formed ass swaying back and forth as she strides away on long, shapely legs.

"All right," continues Ichigo. "Where were we? Oh yeah. You all were taking notes on FRIENDSHIP when Panther-boy here interrupted."

Grimmjow bristles. "What did you call me _, Strawberry-chan_?" he taunts. He powers up another Cero.

But before he can fire, the door swings open again and a tall, green-haired woman enters, also wearing a bikini. It's Nel in her adult form. Her bikini is the exact same sea-foam green color as her hair, which is hanging loose in a thick cloud as she bounces over to Ichigo, breasts jiggling. "Ichigo," she sings out, handing another stack of paper to the substitute shinigami, "here's the class list from soutaichou." Then she grabs him and gives him a big hug, smothering his head between her large breasts. "Have fun teaching! And don't forget about the pool party afterwards!"

"Uh, thanks," says Ichigo, blushing as she releases him. He turns back to the class. "Now, uh, now…" He scratches his head. "What were we talking about?"

The fanboys in the front row shake their heads in confusion. They've been watching Nel flounce out of the room in her itty-bitty polka-dot bikini. Several fangirls are scowling heavily at Ichigo's obvious distraction with females other than them. But one girl is staring appreciatively at Nel's rear as it vanishes behind the door jamb.

Grimmjow snorts. "I was just about to smash you, pathetic human, into next week!"

The two face each other again – but then the door opens one more time.

Ichigo sighs in exasperation as he lowers his sword again. "What is it now?"

"Who the hell's interfering with my prey?" demands Grimmjow.

But there is no one behind the door. Everyone stares as the door opens, then closes without anyone entering.

A man's deep voice fills the room. "I was informed it was time to make a guest appearance in here."

A black cat jumps up on the desk and starts washing its face. "I'm also told it's a tradition for teachers to demonstrate animal transformations in front of class." The cat looks self-satisfied.

"Yoruichi!" cries Ichigo. His face turns beet-red as he realizes what is about to happen.

"Wrong book, dumbass," growls Grimmjow.

"Ready?" asks the cat in Yoruichi's deep male voice. The fanboys all lean forward.

XxXxXxX

_**Nanao** _ _: Hold it! This is a T-rated fanfic! We all know what's going to happen if she transforms, and remember we have underage students here._

_**Iba** _ _: (scowls) You feminists never have a sense of humor._

_**Nanao** _ _: (with hands on hips) Besides, a story needs to be more than a bunch of fights occasionally interrupted by scantily clad females._

_**Fanboys** _ _: It does?_

XxXxXxX

**Sincerely (and unjustly cut short),**

**Shinigami Men's Association**

XxXxXxX

_**Nanao** _ _: Stop complaining! You were going to violate the rules and get us all shut down!_

_**Iba** _ _: (blusters) We're powerful shinigami! We don't need to follow the rules of some stupid human website!_

_**Nanao**_ _: Also, don't make your characters use chatspeak. (Wags finger, scolding.) That's not good writing. Not to mention the gratuitous pool party._   _(Rolls eyes.) And the ridiculous self-reference? Pathetic!_

_**Iba** _ _: It doesn't matter. We still demand equal time. You should let us write the next few chapters._

_**Nanao** _ _: (picks up a document) According to a survey conducted by Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi, out of all Bleach fanfiction authors on this site who self-report their gender, only 14.6% were male. (Looks up at Iba.) Therefore, we won't allow you more than one out of every seven chapters for OFUB._

_**Iba** _ _: WTF?!_

_**Nanao** _ _: (Sighs.) What did I say about chatspeak? (Smugly.) Oh, and by the way, the Gin Tonbo shop is no longer an approved contractor for the Gotei 13. So all your shades are now non-regulation, by order of soutaichou._

_**Yachiru** _ _: So it's all settled then! We're gonna run things the way they oughta be run. (Jumps up and down.) Who brought the candy?_


	65. Retsu Unohana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series originally appeared on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors .
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

While it is good to be creative in your writing, please remember that as long as you remain within the world of Bleach, we, the canon characters, have the ultimate authority.  _(Smiles gently with a shadow of menace.)_  Please do not forget that.

And while you are here, let us discuss some health and safety issues. It is unimportant which "pairings" you assign us to; however, as writers you have a responsibility to set the tone for society, and it is imperative that you encourage safe sex practices in your stories. I am distressed that in the 17,300 M-rated fanfics on your site, less than one percent encourage condom use. Surely you must be aware of the risk of disease from unprotected intercourse.

_(Continues in a serene voice.)_  Need I remind you that young, impressionable readers visit this site? Now, I expect that you will correct this oversight as soon as possible. Otherwise, I cannot be responsible for the consequences.  _(Tranquil, somewhat ominous smile.)_

**Sincerely,**

**Retsu (Yachiru) Unohana**

XxXxXxX

_**Kenpachi** _ _: Hey. Don't you care that in most of the M-rated stories about you, you're paired with me?_

_**Unohana** _ _: (with a placid smile) Since it was my destiny to restore you to your true self, it doesn't surprise me to hear that. It was only you who discovered the pleasure… of fighting to the limit. For a thousand years, you had restrained yourself… because of me._

_**Kenpachi** _ _: Ha! (Grins.) Let's fight!_

_**Unohana** _ _: With pleasure. (Raises sword as eyes darken with ferocious glee.)_

_(The remainder of the letter is obscured by blood.)_


	66. Official Fanfiction University of Bleach 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach or The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth by misscam.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

_Well! We won't be giving you access to the computer again anytime soon, Iba! Back to our regularly scheduled story…_

**The Official Fanfiction University of Bleach –** **Chapter 8**

After last week's truly bizarre Male Bonding 101 class, one destroyed classroom and one "pool party" later (how did that even get scheduled? We don't even have a pool), everything is back to normal. Or at least as normal as anything can be here at the Official Fanfiction University of Bleach.

I wake up in my room one morning to find that an envelope has been slipped under our door. I open it and stare at the yellow slip of paper in dismay.

"What is it?" asks Megan from her side of the room.

"I've been assigned to remedial classes," I groan. "Apparently my grammar and spelling aren't good enough."

"Oh," says Megan with a carefully neutral face. I glare at her. She's been getting the top grades in every single one of our classes, and some people are starting to get annoyed. I heard Amber call her "Mary-Sue" the other day. Megan was the only one who completed the entire five hundred pages of Aizen's essay. Even Sari only managed two hundred.

I heard that Aizen invited Megan to join him for "accelerated private lessons," much to Sari's dismay.

Megan turned him down, of course. She may be a Mary-Sue, but at least she's not evil.

XxXxXxX

Gin is developing quite a reputation for pranks. He somehow manages to short-sheet every single bed in the girls' dorm one night. The guys find it incredibly funny until the next night, when all the urinals on their side of the dorm get stopped up.

Then one night we all wake up to loud bellowing and the crashing of large chunks of masonry.

I stumble sleepily into the hall. "Shh! Stay in your rooms!" Nanao cautions. "It's dangerous!" I duck behind a piece of furniture, but keep an eye on the glowing blue lights at the end of the hall.

There's another huge crash and then a nearly incoherent yell. "Ichimaru, you bastard!"

Gin, his ever-present grin still on his face, appears at one end of the hall, running fast towards us. I squeeze myself into a smaller bundle behind the heavy table.

"You planted that stuff in my room, you fuckin' bastard!" Grimmjow emerges from the far door, powering up a Cero. Gin starts laughing so hard he almost can't shift into shunpo, but he manages it at the last minute and his white robes flutter around the corner as the huge blue Cero smashes into the wall, blasting a jagged hole and scattering more masonry and plaster. Grimmjow growls and sonidoes after him.

Nanao sighs and shakes her head as the sounds of mayhem fade off into the distance. She's holding a brightly-colored magazine in her hand. I crane my neck to try to see it, but I'm a bit too far away. Amber is closer and I can see her eyes widen as she catches sight of the cover.

Nanao raises her voice. "All right, everyone, show's over. Go back to bed, NOW!"

When she speaks in that tone of voice, it's best to obey her immediately. We all scatter. As I'm returning to my room, I notice movement out of the corner of my eye. I glance over my shoulder at the gaping hole at the end of the corridor, and I think I see Sari stepping over the broken wall. But when I look again, there's no one there.

I blink several times. I must've been imagining it. I yawn and slide into my still-warm bed, falling asleep instantly.

XxXxXxX

I don't find out what happened between Gin and Grimmjow until the morning. There are a bunch of boards nailed over the hole and a frowning shinigami is standing guard over it. Apparently it leads to the staff section. We yawn our way into the breakfast room, where a group of us corner Amber and ask her what was going on last night.

She giggles. "Gin accused Grimmjow of being a 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic' fan. Nanao searched his room and found a copy of the new My Little Pony comic under his mattress." She sniggers. "He wasn't too happy when she started waving around this comic full of brightly colored pink and blue cartoon ponies talking about friendship and harmony."

"Grimmjow is a  _Brony_?" gasps Megan in disbelief.

"Well, he denies it, says Gin planted the comics there." Amber nods, still grinning. "It's probably another one of Gin's pranks. But he really got Grimmjow all riled up."

The others laugh, as we all mentally vow to avoid Gin whenever possible.

XxXxXxX

It's time for grammar class but I'm delaying.

A new set of electives has been released for those students lucky enough not to be required to attend remedial classes. I peer enviously over Megan's shoulder as she runs her finger down the list.

'Macho 101' - Tetsuzaemon Iba

'Time Travel 2001' - Kisuke Urahara

'Seireitei Communications Internship' - Shuuhei Hisagi

'The Art of Blackmail' – Yachiru Kusajishi

'How to Update Regularly' - Shunsui Kyoraku

I sigh. Those all look a lot more interesting than what I have to do. Our first homework assignment was all about 'they're, there, and their'; 'who's and whose'; and 'too, to, and two'. It makes me want to tear my hair out! They all sound the same; what does it matter if they're written differently? It's impossible to tell them apart! At least for me.

And our instructors are Nanao and Soi Fon, probably the strictest shinigami in the Seireitei. Not to mention that Soi Fon keeps hinting that if we fail the class, there will be "punishment." Nanao even threatened to take off her glasses.

None of us really wants to know exactly what they're talking about.

I'm rushing off to class through the mostly empty halls, late as usual, when I run past three figures talking quietly in a corner. It looks like Aizen, Gin, and Momo, but when I look again, no one is there. I shake my head. The lack of sleep must be getting to me.

In the hall ahead, Soi Fon is about to close the door to grammar class, so I put on a burst of speed to get there on time. I manage to get a seat just as the bell rings.

"Today we're going to talk about comma usage," Nanao begins, and I pinch myself to keep from yawning. This grammar class is even more boring than Yamamoto's 'History of the Seireitei' class, where all he does is stand in front of the room and drone on in a monotone about battles and dates. Amber accidentally called him 'Professor Binns' once.

Will I ever pass my classes, graduate, and be allowed to go home?

XxXxXxX

**Sincerely,**

**The Shinigami Women's Association**

XxXxXxX

_**Gin** _ _: Hey Grimmy, who's your favorite pony?_

_**Grimmjow** _ _: Shut the fuck up, Ichimaru!_

_**Gin** _ _: Ya know, I jus' found this iiinterestin' crossover fanfic for Bleach and My Little Pony, by an author with a pen name of 'The Blue Panther.' (eyes Grimmjow) Sound familiar? Says it's a Grimmjow/Rarity romance. Or should I say Grimmity? (grins) So… are you a fanfic author too? (waves sheaf of paper) Lookie, I can read everyone the first chapter! (shunpoes away, laughing, as gusts of wind begin to sweep the area when Grimmjow lifts his zanpakutou)_

_**Grimmjow** _ _: (furiously) Prepare to die, Ichimaru! (Grimmjow's spiritual pressure rises precipitously) Grind, Pantera! (He transforms into his Resurrección form and sonidoes after Gin)_

_**Nanao** _ _: (holding onto her glasses as her hair is blown around wildly) My goodness. Why is he so upset? It doesn't make sense, unless…? (glances at Yachiru) …Could there possibly be some truth to Gin's accusations? Yachiru, you never told me how you got Grimmjow to cooperate in the SWA writing lesson back in chapter 16. Is there something I should know? (Yachiru grins)_


	67. Sajin Komamura

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

This is ridiculous! I was forced to look at your site, only to discover that in the majority of the stories about me, I'm either paired with an OC or I end up having  _puppies_! Disgraceful!

_(Yachiru pops out of nowhere and pulls his ears while he is writing his letter.)_  Hey, but you're such a cute and fluffy little doggie!  _(Pets him.)_

(K _omamura snarls and reaches for his sword as Yachiru flash steps away.)_

Humph. As I was saying about the pairing preferences on your site, it would be out of character for me to have a relationship with a subordinate.  _(Raises a finger and lectures.)_  That is unethical.

And I don't even want to talk about former captain Tousen.  _(Growls.)_

But the most important message I want to get across is…

Stop calling me a dog!

**Sincerely,**

**Sajin Komamura**

XxXxXxX

_**Hisagi:** _ _Hey, you liked the dog brush I got you from the world of the living._

_**Komamura** _ _: (rumbles) Of course! Brushes from the Seireitei were ineffective in grooming my fu- hair._

_**Iba** _ _: And I thought you arranged for a special gigai in the form of a dog when you went undercover in the world of the living._

_**Komamura** _ _: (glares) Nonsense! What's with this fixation with me and dogs?_

_**Yachiru** _ _: What about Goro? We all know about him! (A dog bounds out from behind her, jumps up on Komamura and starts licking him all over his furry face.) See, you like dogs after all!_

_(Komamura sighs and begins to pet Goro. As the dog continues to lick him, Komamura relaxes and his body sags into sleep. Soon he emits a loud snore…_

…  _To be continued next chapter.)_

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Virtual cookies to anyone who can identify the omake episodes or Bleach Official Bootleg references in this chapter.


	68. Halloween Special – Ichigo Kurosaki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.
> 
> This series also appears on FFnet at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8300491/1/Dear-Bleach-Fanfiction-Authors.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Author's Note:** _It might help to review episode 304, the Bleach Halloween Special, before reading this chapter. And yes, I know it's not anywhere near Halloween today... :P_

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**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

_(There is the sound of loud snoring in the background as Ichigo walks in.)_  All right, I'm here to talk to you about all these (what are they called…?) 'AUs' you fanfiction authors write where Bleach characters appear as monsters or other weird creatures. What's wrong with you?  _(Scowls.)_  We are a Japanese manga, and Japan never celebrated Halloween until Americans brought their over-the-top commercial holidays to our country.

_(Rukia flies into the room in miniature form with bat wings and jabs Ichigo hard in the back of his head with a tiny pitchfork.)_

Ouch!  _(Rubs head)_  That really hurt! What are you trying to do, Ruki-Ruki?

_Stop calling me that! It's Rukia! And don't be ridiculous, thanks to globalization we all share in the best ideas of all cultures. Don't be so bigoted._

Who are you calling bigoted?  _(Continues rubbing neck, scowling at Rukia.)_  Anyway, back to the main point. There are too many vampire, pirate, or monster stories on this site. When you're writing about Bleach characters, part of what makes us special is our environment. When you slap us into some arbitrary, clichéd universe wearing the literary equivalent of cheap dime store Halloween masks, you take away the best part of Kubo's work.

_I'm not so sure about that! Bleach is a character-driven manga, so what's important in Kubo's work are the characters and their relationships. He doesn't even draw backgrounds most of the time anyway._

Why do you always have to argue with me, Rukia? The people who run Bleach would never dress us up as monsters. Certainly, Uryuu would never be a vampire. He's a Quincy! And Rangiku as a witch? Never. Not to mention Toshiro would never take on any canine form. That's for Komamura!  _(Snoring in background intensifies for a moment and the scene wavers.)_  Additionally, Inoue would never dress up as a— ( _breaks off irritably and grabs for Rukia, who has been flying around his head jabbing at him with her pitchfork)_

Stop that! What are you trying to do?

_You idiot! Haven't you ever seen episode 304?_

What are you talking about?

_(Rolls eyes) That's so typical. You forgot our meeting there too! Remember, I had to drag you in?_

Meeting?

_(Sighs) Just get back to talking about fanfiction, Ichigo._

All right then, as I said, Renji isn't anything like a pirate or mummy—

_(Rukia interrupts.) And if Nii-sama fought Renji, he would crush him, of course. (Lowers eyebrows.) Hey, Ichigo, that reminds me— I made some special treats for Halloween. (Holds out a plate to him.) You can choose seaweed or pineapple. (Gives him a threatening glare.) Which are you going to choose?_

_(Ichigo looks suspiciously at the plate of treats.)_  Did you make those, Rukia? They look a little strange.

_Oh! (Rukia sounds a little embarrassed.) Well, I asked Orihime for help in the kitchen. Since I got adopted into the Kuchiki family, I'm a little out of practice with cooking. But they're really good! I've never eaten seaweed candy before, but it's really tasty!_

_(Ichigo, who had been reaching out a hand to the plate of treats, hurriedly withdraws it.)_ Umm, thanks, Rukia, but I'm not hungry right now. Maybe later.

_(Orihime pops up, wearing an orange costume.)_  Hi, did I hear someone say my name? Eheheh!  _(Giggles)_  Kurosaki-kun, what kind of costume are you wearing? You look really strange!

_(Ichigo facepalms.)_  Not as strange as you. What are you supposed to be, anyway, a pumpkin or an orange ghost or…?  _(Shakes head.)_  Never mind. Anyway, we were talking about fanfiction. Can we get back to the point?

_(Rukia glares.) Just ignore him, Orihime. Ichigo, you're the one who keeps getting off track.(Pokes at him with her pitchfork again. Ichigo dodges.)_

Whatever. I'm just trying to say that Halloween and Bleach don't mix, we are not monsters, and this whole idea of fanfiction is pretty stupid.

_(Orihime smiles at him.)_  I think it's kind of fun, Kurosaki-kun!

_(Rukia flies around his head, glaring at him from close up.) Lighten up, idiot! What's wrong with playing at being something totally different or even powerful and scary some of the time? Life can be hard and our imaginations can bring us comfort. I think fanfiction can be a harmless diversion, unless… (grows stern for a moment) …it's inappropriately making fun of someone important, like a noble (eyes turn to hearts as she holds up a picture of Byakuya)._

_(Toshiro pops up, wearing pointed white ears over fluffed up white hair.) It also better not make fun of serious shinigami captains. You fanfic authors will be in big trouble if you don't show us respect._

_(Rangiku shows up with a small ball.) Hey Toshiro—_

_(Toshiro glares.) You mean Captain Hitsugaya! And if you tell me to fetch, I'll double the amount of paperwork you have to do for the next week._

_(Rangiku whines in disappointment.) Awww, captain, but then I won't have any time for the important stuff like drinking or partying with my friends._

(Ichigo scowls.) As I was saying before I was interrupted  **again** , my point is that writing something that turns us into something we're not is idiotic. Toshiro is not a dog! The only dog in this show is –

_(The sound of snoring intensifies for a moment and then cuts off abruptly as the scene changes to Komamura's bedroom. Komamura sits up in bed.)_

Hey, is this chapter 68, or still chapter 67 about Komamura?  _(Ichigo shakes head_.) I give up. That episode 304 was bad enough –

_(Rukia hits him.) So_ _**now** _ _you say you remember episode 304!_

Ow! Stop that! I remembered it because you reminded me! So what was I saying…? Yeah. Since that whole episode was a dream of someone who wasn't even involved in the episode… it was pretty ridiculous.

It just shows that the whole problem with fanfiction is that it bends reality too far out of shape. So stop it!

**Sincerely,**

**Ichigo Kurosaki**

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_**Gin** _ _: What do you know about 'reality,' Ichigo? You're a fictional character yourself. And episode 304 wasn't fanfiction; it was put out by Studio Pierrot._


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